John & Rochelle

Health

2009-05-05T09:03:00.002-04:00

Kieran's been mildly sick for a few weeks, but finally seems on the mend. He was just having trouble digesting food, and it was painful to watch him struggle to eat. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a really sick child. It would be exhausting and heart-breaking. A young friend of ours in Zimbabwe died just before Easter. Tawanda was the cutest little boy (his photos are on this blog a few times) and he was always in our home - chatting away, or trying to carry the water can for the garden or telling jokes in Shona. His death is a mystery to us (all we know is he woke up with stomach pains) and it really distressed us. God knows.

The cuzes

2009-04-17T18:23:00.002-04:00

We just spent a few days down in Orlando, Florida with Josh and Jenn and their adorable baby Aiden. Kieran loved meeting up with his aunt, uncle and little cousin. Kieran and Aiden are only 2 months apart, and I think they're going to hvae a lot of fun in the future. On our last night there they both stayed awake way past bedtime. I suspect that Kieran (the older cousin) initiated this sleepover plot! He went swimming for the first time and peed all over his face for the first time. Babies are fun.

A week in the life of

2009-04-10T08:21:00.002-04:00

On Monday Kieran and I went to a very sad funeral. It was for a mom and son. The son died during childbirth because of complications and a c-section (this freaked me out - I had a c-section) and then the mother died from a blood clot the day she returned from the hospital. Can you imagine!?! They were buried together - her holding him in the coffin. There are 2 sons left behind who could really use your prayers. It was a very sobering moment to be singing "Amazing Grace" on a frigid, windy, snowy day as this coffin was descending into the earth, I was holding onto Kieran's stroller and the family was weeping. I needed a big long Kieran cuddle when we got home.

Wednesday we went to the dentist as a family. Of course Kieran didn't have any teeth to be cleaned, but he was passed around to all the staff and found the colourful toothbrushes interesting to look at.

Yesterday I was singing the national anthem and praying at an awards dinner for a home that supports people who are deaf and blind (did you know there are 15,500 deaf-blind people in Canada? that seems like so many!) I was watching a woman translate for her friend - making signs in her hand (just like Helen Keller's friend did). It amazed me that there could be so many different words and signs in such a small space. The dinner was at the Royal York Hotel and Kieran was the only baby, so he got passed around a lot (I'm so thankful he has my social skills!) During my singing, Jim Flaherty (Minister of Finance and special guest) smiled at me. Ooooooh.

Today we're heading up to Jackson's Point for our church's Easter camp (Passover dinner tonight) and then we leave for Orlando on Saturday. I can't wait to meet my nephew.

Happy Easter everyone!

Kissing time

2009-04-05T10:44:00.003-04:00

People often ask me what my daily schedule is like. I don't really have one. I kind of just see how things go. (It's actually kind of freeing to live this way for a time!) There are no set times to do anything, but there are certain elements that are involved in every day. There's story time, eating time, changing time, nap time, bouncing/washing dishes time, watch the fishies time, swing time, gym time, often Tim Hortons time and... my favourite... kissing time! Of course I kiss Kieran all throughout the day, but I also reserve time just for kissing. I lay him on his back and kiss him all over. He always smiles and giggles and squeals, and it's the highlight of my day.

Kieran has discovered his tongue, and is sticking it in and out, in and out with pride. It's very cute. He's also enjoying scratching different surfaces and discovering the different sounds and touches. For 4 nights in a row he's woken up drenched in pee (I feel like I've forgotten the art of diapering - what happened? any tips?) He loves bouncing in the jolly jumper. He's growing and getting cuter continually. Gotta go.. it's kissing time!

It took us all day to eat lunch

2009-04-02T15:33:00.002-04:00

Not because it was a huge lunch. But because when you have a baby and you don't have a car, you need to plan. We wanted to meet my friend for lunch downtown at 12, so at 9 I started preparing and we left here around 10. We did catch an excellent art exhibit on the way (in honour of Refugee Rights Day) and then arrived home after 3pm. Sometimes TTC is excellent and accessible. Sometimes streetcar drivers refuse to help you and subway elevators aren't working.

We did meet an interesting man on the subway. He struck up a conversation as soon as we got on. He was in full Blue Jays gear and complimenting the baby. Then he shared that he used to hold his friend's baby, but the last time that he did this (or spoke to his friend) was in 1986. The friend - John - refused to speak to him because he thought the Blue Jays fan was being strange with his wife. "I wonder what that baby girl looks like now. I guess she's a woman. I miss that friend and his family." The gentleman shared (in 4 stops!) that he has a learning disability and a mild form of psychosis. He wonders if he'll ever have a girlfriend. He had one girl that was a friend, but she blocked his number, because she said he was too intense. I felt bad for the guy. He was very friendly and obviously very lonely. He just wants love and acceptance. Would I be his friend? When he mentioned psychosis, he looked at the stroller and said "there's no cure. I just have to live with it." What a lonely life.

Staring

2009-03-28T21:18:00.002-04:00

Kieran is 4 months old now. He's a really curious guy (of course I think he's a genius, but even the doctor says he's smart) and is at a stage where he stares - at everyone. He stares at us and at his family members, but also at random strangers on the bus. One lady at Tim Hortons came up to me and told me that I should tell my son that staring is rude. Random. But this is Toronto! The other day two men in our elevator were having a conversation in Urdu and Kieran was just staring at them. Maybe he's picked up the language! It's cute. I'm totally in love with my son and his beautiful, blue, staring eyes.

2 women

2009-03-24T10:02:00.002-04:00

We just got back from a great holiday in White Rock and Vancouver, British Columbia and then Drumheller, Alberta. It was cool to see the mountains and the ocean and the dinosaurs and hoo doos, but most of all it was cool to spend some time with great people - and to introduce them to Kieran. We got to spend time with 2 amazing women who have a huge influence on my life - Nana and Anita.

Nana is my grandmother (my mom's mom). She is an amazing woman of 85 who has spent her life praying, being kind to others, singing, leading... She is a great communicator who has always kept in touch with us and given us treats and been a big part of lives no matter the distance. We always knew when our phone lines were working again in Zimbabwe, because we would get a call from Nana. It was a delight to see her holding Kieran, and he did an amazing race of "almost" crawling, just to end up in her arms.

Anita is a beautiful friend who is a bit younger than Nana (!) but also spends her life praying, being kind to others, being an an extrordinary mom, leading The Salvation Army in Drumheller with her husband, cooking yummy food.... She is a joy to talk to and someone who really "gets" me. I am so thankful for her friendship.

Spending time with good people is refreshing. I recommend it. (Oh and do go out and see the mountains/ocean/dinosaurs/hoodoos - they're cool too).

Joy

2009-03-19T20:41:00.002-04:00

I am not sure whether or not to blog anymore. Compared to my life in Zimbabwe, life now is so... ordinary and uninteresting. And yet I am more content and at peace than I can ever remember. I expected to love being a mother. I didn't expect to LOVE being a mother. I never get tired of staring at Kieran, or marvelling at him or feeling complete joy when I am with him. Of course I have moments where I cry along with him or feel completely exhausted, but overall, I am just enthralled with our son and so humbled and blessed to be his mom. I love the word Mommy.

Two weeks ago we attended the funeral of a friend. I was determined to feel joyful at this funeral, because I wanted to celebrate my friend's life. But I cried the whole way through. I believe in Heaven, and that the person is in a much better place. I just find it hard to see the kids and people left behind. The funeral reminded me of too much death and loss that I have experienced. And I think the sadness caught me off guard. Kieran Tinashe has brought me so much joy that the sadness was like a slap in the face. To me, Kieran is joy. At the funeral I held him close. When I think of suffering in the world, I hug Kieran and delight in his innocence. When I was visiting with my sister in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver yesterday and seeing so many people addicted to drugs with empty eyes, I needed to see Kieran too. I recommend holding a baby. In his little short life I have seen people's faces and moods completely change as they hold his little (but growing) body.

God is so good.

Almost 3 weeks old

2008-12-11T17:17:00.003-05:00

Apparently, time flies when you're a new mom. Tomorrow Kieran Tinashe will be 3 weeks old. I remember 3 weeks ago today - all of the anticipation and waiting; all the normalcy (we went for Japanese food, watched movies and I did the irnoning) and craziness (intense contractions!!) of the day. And then our baby being born!! Our lives changed forever!

I love being a mother. As soon as Kieran was born I started bawling. I cried for a good 10 minutes before I said anything because I was completely overwhelmed with love. Those were my first words - "I just love him so much." It was instant and immediate. Of course I loved him while he was growing inside of me for 9 months, but as soon as I heard him and saw him... and then got to hold him... wow - nothing like it.

In honour of the 3 weeks, here are 3 of my favourite things that my baby boy does:

1. He gets excited about his bottle. Newborns sleep a lot, but they wake up when they are hungry. Kieran cries until the moment when the bottle comes to his mouth. Then his head shakes a little and he brings both his hands to his face - like he is ready to box. He's so happy! It's very cute to watch, and a humbling reminder that he is totally dependent on us for survival.

2. He snuggles well. Is there anything more peaceful than holding a sleeping baby? Or having him lie on your chest while you both have a nap? Or gazing into his face and watching him fall asleep or wake up? Or just looking into his eyes and having a good chat at 4am? He's a really good snuggler.

3. He makes people happy. I prayed for a mild-tempered and sociable baby and God heard my prayers. Kieran is not too fussy and so we've been able to be out and about a little bit. Wherever we go, he makes people happy - whether it's at a homeless dinner or a gospel choir concert or at church or at THQ or just on the street (people smile at you if you have a baby stroller!) People love seeing a baby. It brings out the best in people, and it's a beautiful thing to watch. My son is a joy-bringer. I'm such a proud mom...

God is with us

2008-11-21T23:05:00.007-05:00

For those friends and family not on Facebook, we've got big news: Kieran Tinashe McAlister was born Friday morning at 4:22. He weighs 8 pds 2 oz and has reddish hair. Mommy and baby are both doing well and will be released from the hospital on Monday. Dad is trying to be as helpful as possible.

Tinashe is a Shona name that means "God is with us." More updates soon.

Still waiting

2008-11-18T08:45:00.002-05:00

I had a dream two nights ago: I was out for a walk, and when I came back to the apartment, there was a message from John to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I went, and he explained to me that I'd missed the labour and birth. Sure enough, I looked down to where my normally huge belly is and I had a flat stomach. The doctors said it was a medical miracle! John explained that since they hadn't been in touch with me, they brought my sister in to the meet the baby. He thought I should go in, so the baby wouldn't be confused about who the real mother was. The baby was SO cute! He never cried, and just loved smiling and cooing. Ah, the fantasy life... :)

Our baby's 6 days late, but it feels longer. It feels like I've been pregnant a very long time! I think mature people can appreciate waiting. Spiritually mature people can appreciate that God can teach us so much through times of waiting. I don't feel very mature! I feel impatient! I feel huge and heavy and nervous about the impending labour (supposedly he has a big head - yikes!) I feel like I'm incompetent somehow when everyone's like "what's up? what's wrong? where is he?" Whereas really, I should just be happy that our little baby is safe, healthy and growing. Besides, with his combination of Ivany-Island-African roots, he didn't have a chance of being early or on time!

Helpless

2008-11-14T10:21:00.003-05:00

Our baby has still not arrived. I think he's too happy/comfy in there. It makes sense - who would want to come out to the dreary weather we've been having if they have a nice warm waterbed they're swimming around in? I continue to stay home and rest. Daytime t.v. has become a bit boring, so I'm trying to keep my mind active, but maybe I'm spending too much time thinking!

Last night I didn't sleep well. I had a dream about Zimbabwe. Usually when I dream about Zimbabwe, it's a situation where I have arrived back but not been allowed to bring anything with me. So either I'm stressed, wondering how I'm going to find food or money or else I'm just stressed because I don't have anything to give those I love. And then I always see people I love from a distance, but something keeps me from being able to talk to them. The dreams are kind of sad! I often feel helpless when I think about Zimbabwe. I worry when I don't hear from people, but then when I do hear from people, I also worry. And I feel helpless.

Yesterday I got a letter from one of my Zimbabwean mothers. She and her husband are pensioners that live on the compound where we used to live. They've both lost all of their children, and so they adopted us and really believe that we were sent to Zimbabwe to be their kids. The letter made me feel horrible. She wrote about how they had not heard from us on Mac's birthday and that he was disappointed about that (I did send a card, but I guess it never arrived). She wrote about her poor health and asked me to send medication. She said they're struggling for food. She said all of the money we left is finished and that we should send more or else they would die. I read this letter and just felt totally deflated, guilty, and most of all just HELPLESS! I just kept repeating, "I don't know what to do."

Zimbabwe was so real for us. The relationships were real. It really did feel like we were adopted into families; that we became son and daughter. It was a beautiful thing. But how does that continue now? When we were there, it was easy to be good kids. It was easy to bring food and money, to access medicine, to bring cake on birthdays. It was easy to visit with people, to listen and to share life. But now? From here? Zimbabwe is complicated. It's hard to transfer money. It's hard to know if parcels and letters will arrive. The phones are usually down. Even if it were easy to send money, how much should we send and how would we decide who to send it to? I've seen it from both sides now. I've lived with families who are counting on their "rich overseas relatives" for survival. And I've worked in Canada with refugees & immigrants on this side who don't feel very rich and struggle to make ends meet while still sending as much as possible "home."

We never meant to create dependence. We know what good development is. We know that it's better to teach people to fish than give people fish. We didn't want to make people dependent on us. But it's Zimbabwe. 80% unemployment, a trillion% inflation, shortages on all basic goods. How are people supposed to make and save money? Even those who are working full-time struggle for basics like school fees. We've been there. We've borne witness. So what's our responsibility?

It's heart-breaking to feel helpless. I know I can't be stressed now. I know that I have to rest and save up all my energy for giving birth and having a newborn. I just struggle to integrate the extreme experience of Zimbabwe into my Canadian life. I don't believe that God brought us all that way and showed us so many things and gave us so many people to love just to forget now. But I don't know how to re-member well or to bring the two different "lives" together. I don't want to be one of those people that gets so overwhelmed with "the weight of the world" that I don't do anything. But I also don't want to go crazy or feel guilty/stressed/sorrowful every time I think of our friends and family in Zimbabwe.

Well, maybe Dr. Phil will have some insight for me today...

Due date

2008-11-12T18:56:00.002-05:00

So, today was the big day... but nothing happened. I guess our baby's on African time. I must admit that it's weird at this stage to just be waiting. I'm at home, trying to rest and entertain myself (I dusted!) but it's just waiting and wondering, knowing that a major life change is going to happen, not knowing exactly what that will be like and ready to find out. I feel like I've been pregnant forever, and I'm starting to have dreams about him never coming out (I'm also having dreams about being chased by crocodiles... I'm sure it's unrelated).

But there are still good things:
- Eventually our son will come to the outside world and be held in my arms instead of my tummy,
- Melissa Fung was released, unharmed,
- Barack Obama won (attitude change IS possible),
- I have a while to get used to being a parent before having a teenager (watched a scary Dr. Phil about salvia and sexting - new teen trends - very scary!)
- We don't have cockroaches OR crocodiles in our apartment...

Remembrance Day

2008-11-11T14:07:00.003-05:00

Today is November 11 - Remembrance Day - the 90th anniversary of the end of World War I. Imagine how that must have felt to the world - peace at last. What a shame that so much war is still going on, and mostly affecting civilians.

I must admit that I feel conflicted about Remembrance Day. Maybe it's because I grew up in multicultural, postmodern Canada; maybe it's because I'm a pacifist. Part of me struggles to honour people that fought. Part of me struggles with the phrase "fighting for peace." And yet I know this makes me sound so selfish and ignorant because I get to live off of the avails - in freedom. A woman in the doctor's office this morning was distressed because her poppy had fallen off. I gave her mine, and she shared how she had lost the two people closest to her in the war. My heart went out to her. Of course I get choked up when I see old men in uniform, standing proudly or weeping softly - remembering all of those losses and tragedies from so long ago. Of course I feel compassion, respect and gratitude for them. But if I'd known them when they were young with guns?

Maybe I've just had too many scary experiences of young (often drunk) men in military fatigues with guns and a seeming disdain for human life.

"Lest we forget." One theory is that if we remember war and document it and keep it in our minds and our children's minds, we will not return to it. The other theory is that as long as we remember it, we will feel that loss and a need for revenge. But maybe that doesn't count in Canada because we don't really have any enemies and there is no revenge to be had. To remember or to forget. I guess most people who have seen real war don't have a choice. I have a small understanding of the inner conflict you feel in wanting to both remember and forget at the same time.

5 days to go

2008-11-07T17:12:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm due in 5 days. So I'm finished work and resting at home. I guess I'm overdoing it a bit. I threw up 5 times in the shower yesterday. At least it was easy to clean up! But I spent the whole day today relaxing and catching up on day-time t.v.

John's nesting. He keeps wandering around our nursery, making sure everything is in the perfect place and that we have everything in order.

I'm enjoying... warm baths before bed, cheesies, back massages, thinking about holding our little son...

More than a doll

2008-10-28T11:24:00.002-04:00

We went to our last pre-natal class last night. They taught us to swaddle babies and bathe babies and breastfeed babies and attend to babies' (minor) medical needs (John asked about a gushing leg wound and they said just to go straight to emergency for that!) I got really emotional with the doll - talking to him and wanting to hug him. I can't imagine what I'll be like with our own son. It's just so amazing to imagine that he will be us - a part of us and with us forever. Ah, God is good.

When the words won't come

2008-10-23T09:23:00.002-04:00

I'm an "emoter" and a "sharer." I don't have a problem sharing my feelings, because I wear my heart on my sleeve. So it's frustrating when I can't express what I want to. This morning we were asked to share about our Zimbabwean experience at THQ (where we work). I worked on my little 8 minute talk for hours. I knew I didn't have a lot of time, so I tried to cram in as much as I could. And I couldn't express it. I couldn't express what life was really like or the various stresses. I couldn't explain that ever-present joy mixed with sadness. I couldn't express how much I admire the people there, and I couldn't express what our relationships were like. I tried to create the mood of what the praise is like - the singing and dancing and exuberant joy. But I couldn't. I sing differently now. It's like I've lost my Zimbabwean voice. I was so committed to not forgetting; to remembering well. But I don't know how to honour my experience and all the courageous people I met. Life there was just so very, very different than life here.

In baby news... all is well. 3 weeks to go. Yesterday we had an ultrasound and learned that our little boy is already a great size and moving a lot. I can't wait to meet him.

Thankful for voting

2008-10-14T15:38:00.002-04:00

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving. We had a busy weekend, and Thanksgiving kind of came and went rather quickly this year. It's a shame, because it's such an amazing holiday - a chance to thank God for the hundreds of thousands of blessings in your life. I could talk all day about all the things I am thankful for (including the fact that I have our BABY growing inside of me, and that I am not worried about dying in childbirth!)

One reason I'm thankful today is that I was able to walk into a school across from our apartment to vote. No one intimidated me, no one beat me or threatened to kill me. No one noted my presence so they could attack me later on. I just got to calmly walk into the school, go behind a secret booth and place my little checkmark beside the name of the candidate I want. I find Canadian politics a little boring, but I have to vote. Voting freely is a privilege that hundreds of my friends would love the chance for.

Mother and Daughter

2008-10-07T16:33:00.003-04:00

"My own daughter came back with two children from that abuse inflicted on her by the rebels. She was 14 when she was taken and she came back after eight years. I am sure in your country, a child goes missing (pause), let’s say a parent goes to pick a child from school and he is not there. Five minutes is enough for that parent to panic. But eight years I have been waiting, knowing very well what the rebels do, their brutality... Every day we were wondering, “Has the child died today? Has she been injured? Is she bleeding to death? Has she been abandoned in the bush alone? Has she been killed and her body is rotting somewhere?"

"For the past eight years I have been in the bush. I was totally cut off from the world. It’s like being put in a tomb, you are still breathing, but you are in there. In the bush it was always horrible. I didn’t understand at first what they were talking about, you know, someone very old, in his late 50s. You cannot imagine. I thought maybe he was out of his head, not joking, because I have never seen any of them joking. But after that, they just have to tie you up and somebody rapes you, just like that. I was always, always afraid they might ask me to kill somebody, I was always, always afraid to do that. One day some girl tried to escape, and they asked us, all 30 of us girls to come. We went there not knowing what was going to happen. They gave us all big sticks and they ordered us to beat her to death. We could not imagine doing this and we refused, we refused... we refused, but, we were beaten so badly, to the extent that we all had to beat her to death and so we did... There was no day when you would get up and smile to see the sun rise, because everyday you would think, maybe today, maybe today will be the end of me."

Young woman abducted at 14 years of age and given as a forced wife to an LRA commander. She is the daughter of the woman quoted above.

Life can be so sobering. Last May I went to Gulu, Northern Uganda and met brave, beautiful young women who had been forced to marry LRA members; others to march around in the bush and fight. They're not just statistics. They're real people - mothers and daughters... waiting to be reunited.

Talking to God

2008-10-03T15:45:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about human trafficking in the last couple of months, because it's the social issue that I'm working on. There was a series of articles about trafficking in the Sun this week. Monday's article really moved me. It was about how Aboriginals are affected disproportionately by sexual trafficking in Canada. Aboriginal youth are only 3 - 5% of the Canadian population, and yet they can be 90% of the visible sex trade in this country. 75% of young Aboriginal women are sexually abused before they are 18. They're trafficked into the sex industry at the ages of 7 - 12. In some places, the sex industry is so racialized that Aboriginal women are solicited when they are just on a smoke break outside of their workplace. I can't imagine. It's shameful. These women and children need to be treated with dignity and respect, and they need healing and prayer.

Last weekend was an international weekend of prayer for victims of sexual trafficking, so all across the world, people in The Salvation Army gathered to pray about it. I organized services at my work and at church, and it felt powerful to be praying alongside brothers, sisters, mothers and daughters all around the world. Prayer is powerful.

I'm trying to make a decision about something right now, and it's bothering me that I'm spending so much time thinking and mulling over the options. I just chatted with my brother, and he asked "did you pray about it?" I should have. But when I tried, the issue just seemed so insignificant to bother God about! Oh, I know God wants us to come to Him with everything, and that He can listen to all things at once. But I don't know... sometimes I wonder if we're being a bit irreverant by asking God to decide for us about "little things." There are such big things that need attention!

Celebrations

2008-10-02T10:40:00.003-04:00

Well, yesterday was something else, eh? The start of Eid for the Muslims (and the end of all of that Ramadan fasting) and Rosh Hashanah (new year) for the Jews. It was also the International Day for Older Persons yesterday. Talk about celebrations! When we walked to work yesterday morning, the normally empty (apart from pigeons) mall parking lot was jam-packed with cars (since it is the biggest parking lot close to the mosque). I felt like we should go attend, but I didn't know how that would go over. I always want to say "Salaam Alaykum" in the elevator too (since everyone says that to each other) but I don't know how it would go over. An Iranian friend told me in university that I speak too cheerfully to appear respectful in Arabic. So I'm a bit self-conscious. At lunchtime yesterday we saw a bunch of kids chowing down on pizza - enjoying food and the holiday for eid. It's quite a discipline for families to fast for a whole month - I admire that. I must admit, I felt a little left out with all the celebrations, and not fitting into any of the categories. So I went for supper with my best friend to celebrate... friendship and that was nice too! It was my Grandma's birthday yesterday too. She's a remarkable lady who just turned 83. One year younger than President Mugabe. It's hard to believe he still wants to run a country at that age...

I miss seeing my toes and being able to throw on "anything." But my son tickled me yesterday afternoon and it made me laugh so hard! It's worth it...

Doritos

2008-09-26T14:55:00.004-04:00

People ask me a lot if I get or got cravings during my pregnancy. It's hard to say. In Zimbabwe, I craved a lot of foods, but I don't know if it was pregnancy-related. I think it had more to do with the fact that we couldn't get almost all foods. One of my delights of being home has been able to just buy any food that I have a fancy for. Like today, I craved some Doritos, so I went and bought some. They brought me right back to my childhood. The cool ranch ones always do. You see, my mother is probably the most disciplined (in a good way) person I know. As kids, we always got to have a bed-time/evening snack. But it wasn't ever, "what do you feel like?" It was assigned - in teacups. When we'd have a baby-sitter, we would get chips - all lined out on the kitchen counter in 5 teacups (one for the baby-sitter). We never thought to ask for a second cup or a bowl or (gasp!) the bag. It just wasn't the system.

I can remember the day in grade 4 when I bought myself a big, huge bag of cool ranch doritos. I was allowed to keep it in my room -in the top drawer - and to eat it all by myself (no sharing with 3 siblings). Of course, by grade 4 I had inherited, some of my mom's discipline, so I made that bag last a long time. But each time I reached in for a few chips, it was the taste of freedom. And that all came back to me this afternoon on my way home from work with my little snack!

Generally, I eat my food guilt-free. After all, I've just returned from Africa, and I'm pregnant. But I must admit that I had a twinge of guilt as I was eating my Doritos waiting for the elevator. I had the sudden realization that every other person in the lobby was fasting due to Ramadan. Woops. But they still tasted good...

Size discrimination

2008-09-25T13:45:00.001-04:00

I went to pick up one of my maternity shirts at the drycleaners' yesterday. They got the stain out, so that was a blessing, but I noticed that the price was quite high. I asked the lady why she was charging me for cleaning a dress. She answered "this is a dress!" I explained that no, it was a shirt, and not possibly long enough for a dress. I showed her the shirt I was wearing, and said that it's the same thing - a maternity shirt. But she insisted that it's so big that it needs to be charged as a dress. I hate being ripped off. I'm huge, but not that huge. John's shirts are still bigger than mine. I think it's a CLEAR case of size discrimination!

Coffee, pizza and a banana

2008-09-20T17:40:00.002-04:00

Today I went for "coffee" (I didn't really drink coffee) with 2 beautiful friends. It felt deliciously normal. The other day I was walking home from work and grabbed a pizza pizza square. Because I could. There is food everywhere in this country. Again, deliciously normal. (And it reminded me of Farhad - the pizza pizza man who, in high school, used to give me and my brother free slices because he liked us).

I was taking the bus home from downtown and 2 stops from my house, 2 very old Chinese ladies got off. One fell as she was getting off, and this young Black man ran to her, helped her up and checked if she was ok. 2 Muslim ladies also stopped to make sure all was well. That is Toronto. And then right outside of my building were about 30 Afghani/Pakistani boys playing baseball. It made me smile. Another smile this week was when a banana peel fell from the sky right in front of me. And then half a banana right behind me. I guess I could have been ticked off that someone was targetting me with a banana, but I just felt really blessed that the person missed both times!

Life goes on

2008-09-17T15:11:00.004-04:00

News coming out of Zimbabwe:
The good news is that there was a power-sharing deal made on Monday, meaning ZANU-PF and MDC will share power. The president will remain the president, but a new post of prime minister will be created for Morgan Tsvangirai. Mugabe keeps control of the military, and Tsvangirai is tasked with the day-to-day running of the country. I've become a little pessimistic about Zim's future, but I do hope - for the sake of Zimbabweans - that this works. I hope peace will really be peace - that people will really have freedom (and that they'll have food). There's a new $1000zim note (which in the old currency is $10trillion) - and that's worth less than $3us. Our old neighbourhood is having problems with sewage coming out of the taps, and our neighbour's son was sent home from boarding school because there is no food and they haven't had water in weeks. Life goes on.

A friend told me last night that I have to forget about Zimbabwe - that I can't let the sadness of Zimbabwe affect my health and my baby. But I can't forget. However, I don't walk around depressed all of the time. Sure, I have days where I cry my eyes out, but I also have days where I sing and dance and laugh my heart out. That is life. One of my biggest prayers for my little son is that he will grow up knowing about the pain in the world, and yet will have immense hope, joy and faith through that.

Speaking of our little son... he's still kicking up a storm and growing healthily. I'm now sleeping with 3 pillows, so John is learning to conserve every inch of his side of the bed. I can no longer see my swollen feet, and I'm on a tight schedule of visits to the washroom every half hour. But it's a joy. I can't wait to meet him. It's cool when you can love people before you've even met them.

Lost and Found

2008-09-09T21:24:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I feel lost. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be or who I'm supposed to be. I feel confused by myself and have no idea what I want. I'm excited and scared about the future all at once. There has just been so much change in the past few months; so many emotions... On Saturday I had this glorious moment where I felt absolutely at home within my own skin. I was on my way home from a friend's gorgeous wedding. I love weddings, and I loved the chance to sing with my old choir. I was in a big truck with blaring raggae music, my friends were talking in good Jamaican patois, I had just tried sweetened tamarind for the first time (mmmm), I had just been called "Ro" for a couple of hours, and I shared lots of hugs and laughs. I was so deliciously happy. Then I went home, took off my too-tight sandals, ate pizza and watched "P.S. I love You" with my mom and sister-in-law. I cried way too much in the movie, but it was a good crying, and I just felt like me. That was a great feeling too. Feeling lost or alone is not fun at all, but feeling found; feeling at home; feeling loved... that's good stuff.

Freedom and Beauty

2008-09-05T13:23:00.004-04:00

We walk to work, and I love that. Maybe I won't love it in a snowstorm, but right now it's nice because I love walking places and not having to fear for my safety or my life. It's also pretty great to go for a walk at the side of a hot guy and to know that you're the one who gets to kiss him before you fall asleep. On the way to work, we pass by a community living building, and there are always people outside who have developmental disabilities. There is one woman that I admire. I don't know her name yet, but in my head I call her Joy. She always has earphones in her ears and she's always dancing. She smiles a lot too. The other day she saw her friend down the street, and so she bounded towards her and gave her a bear hug and said, "I love you!" She is so free!!! Freedom is such a beautiful thing. You don't really appreciate it until it's ripped from you. I guess here, freedom isn't usually ripped from you - we just let it erode by becoming "grownup" and conforming to our conservative society.

I got my hair cut yesterday by a cute Pakistani girl. Something came on the radio about Tom Cruise. My hairdresser started laughing and said, "who cares? I'd rather cut your hair then Tom Cruise's. Everyone always talks about how beautiful these people are, but look at us. I think we're the beautiful ones!" Too true!

Taste of Heaven

2008-08-28T08:12:00.002-04:00

Last night I went up to Jackson's Point. It's one of my favourite places on earth. It's a place where my life always sort of fits together. We used to go there as a family and rent a cabin and spend the days building sandcastles, swimming in the lake and playing croquet. Then I worked there, and went to national music camp there and had some amazing times with God in my teen years. So many memories...

I dropped by to see my uncle Ray, who lives in the neighbourhood. He is 86 and has trouble walking around, but his mind is sharp, and he was so happy to see me. He said I'm all grown up and gorgeous (and his eyesight is still good!) He was the youngest in a family of 12 kids (my late grandfather was the second youngest) and now he is the only one still alive. He was saying that as soon as he goes, the whole family will be gone. It was sobering to think of a whole generation of people gone. But that's life. It was also kind of cool to think that a whole new generation is coming up - and will start by coming out of me (ours is the first baby among all my cousins/siblings). Ray was smiley, gracious and kind. I hope I'm like that at 86.

The reason we went to Jackson's was for a concert and the music was beautiful. All kinds of music bless and touch me - gospel, classical, brass band... There was this one piece that reminded me of Heaven, and I got this vision of being up there and seeing some of my friends from Zimbabwe being seated in the best thrones in the place and given a beautiful, plentiful feast of delicious foods. These friends are humble, hard-working, suffering people, and so they were trying to give up their seats, but they just kept being told, "no, this is where you sit - you've earned it." Of course I cried, because it made me so happy to think that one day there will be no more suffering, and one day those who have had the worst lot in life will have the most wonderful celebration for all eternity. A planet where some of us live here in North America and some of us live in Zimbabwe doesn't really make sense. It's too unfair. But maybe it all works out in the end...

Questions

2008-08-26T08:08:00.004-04:00

Do you ever feel like you want to be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time?

Do you ever feel dissatisfied with your society's continual state of dissatisfaction?

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with your social life and lonely all at once?

Do you ever feel like your head, body and heart are all in different places?

Do you ever wonder where you really belong?

Good things and Not so good things

2008-08-20T15:44:00.004-04:00

Good things:

- On Sunday my Jamaican mother (Joy) said that she wanted to listen to her grandson. So she put her ear up to my belly and right away the baby kicked her in the face! She was shocked and so happy! She said she can't wait to meet her first white grandchild. (This kid's actually got a lot of black grandmothers as well as his white ones... what a heritage!)
- John slow-danced with me even though he was tired (I'm so in love with him - I feel so blessed to have found him...)
- My co-worker brought me a home-made chocolate chip cookie out of the blue this afternoon
- Our friend Kim made us a roast-beef dinner last night
- My mom and I have been going on a walk each day this week
- Hope is flying to the USA today. Hope flies! God is good (and thanks to those of you who helped him out)

Not so good things:

- We saw a great (but sad) movie - "Lars and the Real Girl." I thought it would be stupid, but it really moved me. Loneliness is a hard thing.
- Work has been stressful (although I'm thankful to have a job...)
- The other day mom and I were walking in my neighbourhood near the mosque (and Tim Hortons). A guy about my age asked if we knew where we were going and we said yes - we were just out for a walk. He seemed really angry. Then he asked if we - as Christians (I guess he knew we were Christians from my mom's Sally Ann uniform) thought the devil could come to earth in human form. I didn't have a lot of time to think this through theologically so said no. Then he turned to me, pointed his finger in my face and said, "I curse you to hell." He said all we have to do is look at all of the evil white people in prison to know the devil could come in human form. Then he told us to go back to our Christian building. It was so unsettling! It's not nice to be cursed to hell...

A church service

2008-08-14T16:11:00.002-04:00

So, it's right back to Toronto life... we're both busy with work and getting settled back into our "new" life. The sexual trafficking work is very interesting. Sad, but interesting.

It's good to be back at our old church - 614 in Regent Park. I was quite moved several times in the service on Sunday. 2 women became official members (soldiers) and we have known both of them for a long time, so it was special. One woman had been in the sex trade for a long time, and has contracted AIDS. I remember meeting her mother a few years ago and hearing her talk about her "baby girl" and how she had had so many hopes for her and just wanted her to be at peace and happy. She definitely looked at peace and happy on Sunday. I guess seeing her become a soldier also reminded me of the many, many women struggling with HIV around the world - most of whom don't have access to the treatment that our friend is getting, and so don't have those life-prolonging, life-enhancing medicines. And that's unfair, but that's life. I was also really moved when we were asked to consecrate our lives again to God and take a piece of bread at the front. One gentleman came up in a wheelchair and gave his life over to God again, and I was blessed by that. I was also touched after the service in sharing a meal with a woman with developmental disabilities. She was asking me about my pregnancy and I stupidly asked her if she had children. Later on I started a new conversation and saw that she was crying. I don't know what about, but I was thinking that it would be hard to want to have children and to not be "allowed" - for medical or social or other reasons.

Hope for Hope

2008-08-08T13:50:00.002-04:00

We got an email from our friend Hope last week. Hope is a great guy - full of potential, leadership skills and charisma. Hope got a full scholarship to study business & economics at a university in the USA. Hope also got a visa to the USA, which is a minor miracle. All he had to do was raise $2200US for his plane ticket from Zimbabwe. When we left Zim, he was in great spirits about this opportunity, but last week he wrote to us saying that his family was not able to raise the money, so he would have to forego the scholarship. This did not seem right at all. He was $1200US short, and his parents are very hard-working Salvation Army officers (meaning they would need to work for about 1200 months to raise this kind of cash!)

I thought about what it would feel like if I were a parent, dreaming of my children having an education and a better life, and being so close - yet so far - from giving him this opportunity. Hope's parents are great, and so he's sort of like a nephew as well as friend to us. Of course, we want him to go to university. Also, it's hard not to want to help someone named Hope! So, we've committed to coming up with the $1200US. Some friends have already given us some money, but we still need about $620 Canadian. To be totally honest, we're a bit broke from our moving-back-to-Canada-we-haven't-made-money-in-years situation but we've promised him the money. We can't stop buying groceries either, because our doctor is thrilled that I've put on 22lbs (!!) and says I have to keep on eating...

So, if you want to give Hope some hope, just contact us. That's what makes a difference in this world - one changed life at a time.

It's a boy! (and we're not psycho)

2008-08-06T17:17:00.005-04:00

Sorry to let out the news to those of you who wanted a surprise, but we can't hold it in any longer... we're having a baby boy! The ultrasound lady did a triple-check and was "100% sure" (which is fairly confident...) We have the names picked out, but they're a secret (everyone needs a bit of suspense in life), so you can guess, but please don't pester John - he might cave under the pressure! :)

We have both started work. We're back at THQ (territorial headquarters) for The Salvation Army. This is starting to be a theme with us... but we're thankful for jobs. John is editing The Salvation Army's websites as well as the main magazine. I'm working on campaigning the international days of prayer for victims of sexual trafficking. We're both actually doing pretty much what we were doing before we left for Zimbabwe. In a way this is comforting. In a way it's like we're in a time warp where I'm wondering if (the 10 years is felt like we spent in) Zim ever happened. But they did.

We had our psychological debrief of our experience in Zimbabwe, and well... they let us leave the building, so that's a good sign! :) Basically the psychologist said that we both need time to seriously de-stress because we've been over-extended in every possible way in terms of stress and "vigilance." He said it's way too early for me to try to integrate our Zimbabwe experience into our Canadian life. I guess that will come later...

Huge and happy

2008-08-03T10:38:00.005-04:00

It's our 6th wedding anniversary today. We're still madly in love. Married life is the best (as long as you marry the right person).

We got to hold a 5 day old baby yesterday (Benjamin Hutchinson). It was incredible. Seeing John hold the baby made me want to cry. Babies are such a miracle.

I feel huge!! (I know, I know - I've got to get some photos up...) I've always had a high metabolism and flat stomach (all my lady friends - please don't hate me!) so this is quite an adjustment. We picked up my parents from the airport last night (after having seen them in B.C. two weeks ago) and they both zoned in on my ever-growing belly. I think our baby is enjoying the whole "living in a country with lots of food" thing. I bought 2 pairs of shorts when we moved back to Canada and I can't squeeze into them anymore. I obviously expected to grow, but I didn't expect it to happen so rapidly! All of a sudden our double bed seems small. I feel like I hardly have any space and my loving husband insists I'm taking up most of the bed! Normally I love my big belly. I can't resist touching it and showing it off, because our little baby is in there. But at night it's a bit frustrating (who enjoys sleeping on their side?) and I feel like I've started to waddle. Oh well, huge and happy...

A few little updates

2008-07-31T11:13:00.006-04:00

I am typing from our new home. Moving was not as stressful as it could have been, and it felt so good to sleep in our own bed last night. When we first got married, I had trouble sleeping because I was just so excited to be sleeping next to my hot husband (did you need to know that?) and last night I could not sleep because I was just so happy to be in my own space (and still sleeping with my hot husband!) This is my 16th home (if you count home as 3 months or longer). That's a lot of moving. I wonder if I will be one of those people who keeps moving or who eventually wants to settle in one place. It's one of those "how will being a mother change me?" questions I have!

We had a level 2 ultrasound and we got to see our baby! The ultrasound lady said everything was "textbook." That has to be good, right? The baby gave us the thumbs up again, so either s/he has only the one finger, or s/he is really happy in there and wanting to reassure me! There is lots of kicking, and that is wonderful.

Just saw in the news that Zimbabwe is cutting off 10 zeroes from their banknotes tomorrow. 10 zeroes!!!!!!! 2.5million% inflation will do that to you, I guess.

Happy Anniversary to Mom & Dad, who gave me a good example of a loving marriage. Congrats to Dave & Denise on little Benjamin!

To be honest...

2008-07-25T10:47:00.003-04:00

We just had a blessed few days in Kingston. It was great to see Bram & Anita and we fell in love with baby Wesley. It's hard to imagine how much love we're going to have for our own baby (although I have an idea from the way John kisses my belly and says "I love you! God bless you!" to our baby through my ever-expanding stomach every night!)

Let me share honestly. I had some mild panic attacks in Kingston. While we were there we saw and met many young couples with young children, beautiful houses, huge t.v.s and gorgeous backyards. We got a lot of advice on babies and what babies need. In Zim, if you are expecting, you save money in order to get a towel (to wrap the baby around you) plus some cloth diapers, a blanket, maybe some bottles... Here it seems like you "need" a mountain of furniture and supplies, and thinking about all the stuff we need made me panic. I cannot really explain how different this world of middle-class Canada is from the life we have been living in Zimbabwe. Although I have seen it with my own eyes, it is hard to conceive of the fact that both of these places are on the same planet. I am struggling mentally and emotionally to figure out how to "be." How to live in Canada while having experienced Zimbabwe. I know that God sent us to Zimbabwe and I know that we are not supposed to forget our experience there. I am just mentally straining to figure out how to incorporate those life lessons into the Canadian way of life. I am terrified of getting caught up in the consumerist rat-race that is North America, but I don't want to be a social recluse/bitter missionary either. "Stuff" is fleeting. At 4am yesterday we started wiping up water with towels because our friends' place (where we were staying in the basement) started flooding. Anything could change in a moment and all of our coveted "things" could disappear, so John and I have always valued people and experiences above things. But you need some things. A baby needs some things. How much? Right now, I have no idea!

To be honest, when we came home at Christmas, I had mild panic attacks the few nights before we were supposed to go back to Zimbabwe. At the airport, I was literally making myself sick (which I'm sure was a huge comfort for my parents!) I'm horrified that I'm admitting that to the world, because I know I shouldn't have felt that way. I love Zimbabwe and I loved our life there. But it was hard - physically, emotionally, spiritually, ethically. It's hard to watch people you love suffer. It's hard to see the place where you live get worse and worse and to know that it's a mad-made disaster. It's hard to feel helpless. It's hard to stress all the time and to know that you shouldn't stress because if you were a better person you would just trust God completely and not worry about "minor" or selfish issues like having water/electricity or finding food.

I am thankful for some friends who have been "defending" us on our blog about whether or not we should have left. These friends (and others who didn't comment) are being empathetic and not wanting us to feel worse than we already to about leaving. But I'm not upset that someone anonymous asked the question or whether or not we should have "retreated." It's a great question - something we wonder about every day. We have to live with the guilt associated with privilege. Privilege that allowed us to walk through those airport gates to an easy life, waving to people we love and care for who are struggling to survive in a place that gets worse and worse, day by day, week by week. It was heart-wrenching. Period.

And now it's: what now? what next? Now that we're here, how do we live our life? What impact does Zimbabwe have on my choices in Canada? And that's what we're trying to figure out. I guess I want you to keep remembering Zimbabwe and praying for people there, but we still need some prayer too! I'm wondering whether it's worthwhile to keep up this blog (since we intended it to share our life from Zim) but maybe it's helpful to someone somewhere to know some of the thoughts/feelings of someone coming back.

Back from B.C.

2008-07-22T14:07:00.003-04:00

Well, we are back in Ontario after a lovely vacation in beautiful British Columbia. If you haven't been to this province, try to go (even though there's a crazy fuel tax on flights...) We had a chance to go to Vancouver Island to see some of John's family. We enjoyed Victoria, Nanaimo and Protection island. One of John's uncles (Ron) looks just like Robin Williams (I will try to post a photo soon) and he is funny too.

I loved spending time with my Nana, and I was blessed one morning when I went in to see her and through the crack of her bedroom door I could see that she was praying earnestly. My Nana is a prayer warrior and I know for sure that she prays for us daily. I can't tell you what that means to me. It was also good to play Rook and -crabble on the beach with Auntie Barbie and the crew and to have Moby Dick fish & chips and Andy's ice cream. Spending time with my beautiful, passionate, fun and sensitive sister Kirsten was also great. Family is great. The older I get, the more appreciative I am of everything... family, health, good marriage, food, electricity, water, life experience, mental health, being able to walk and see and hear and hold...

My dreams are easing up and we feel sort of rested (although I painted my toenails today and it took every ounce of energy out of me. That can't be healthy!) :) We are off to Kingston to meet baby Wesley Pearce... Happy Birthday (tomorrow) to my dream-chasing, passionate, loving and talented brother Joel.

Beautiful B.C. and a kicking baby

2008-07-14T14:06:00.003-04:00

Greetings from White Rock, B.C. We have been in British Columbia for a week, and we are here for one more. It's been great to catch up with John's parents, my Nana, my sister, and other loving relatives and friends. We went to Granville Island, and the Vancouver Aquarium and Pike Market in Seattle. And of course, we've been eating a lot. Vancouver is a gorgeous city, and I must admit that for a few minutes we wondered if we'd settled in the wrong Canadian city. Toronto's nice too, but you can't beat the mountains, enormous trees and ocean! I was reflecting on this article on cities that my mom told me about a few weeks ago. Vancouver (where we are now) was ranked #1 city to live in whereas Harare (where were were 2.5 weeks ago) was ranked last. Life is strange...

I'm having a love-hate relationship with sleep. I get tired easily, which makes me want to sleep, but I'm having bad dreams. They are not the nightmares of Zimbabwe, but they're still not pleasant. Usually they are about people (from here) being angry with me or calling me bad names. Maybe part of me is wondering if people are judging us for coming back early (or I'm just judging myself). There was a big story on the news here about two elderly Canadian missionaries in Kenya who were beaten and raped and macheted, but they say they want to stay and continue to show forgiveness and love. They're the "good missionaries" right? The ones who will stay despite anything... so what does that make us? I know that, all things considered, it was good that we came back. But I guess not all of me knows that...

The baby is fine. S/he is starting to kick up a storm, which is pretty cool (another sign convincing John that this child will be a natural runner). I bought my first maternity clothes on Saturday. The pants have this elastic band that gives you 4 months to grow (John asked if there was a men's section). With everything I tried on, I'd ask John "does this make me look too big?" and he'd respond "of course not - you look beautiful!" I did trick him at one point, putting in the "fake belly" that was in the change room. When he still said I didn't look big, I wondered about his sincerity at the other comments... :) I've put on 15 lbs already, but everyone says I'm still small...

Trillionaires, Afghani food and a baby on the way

2008-07-07T15:16:00.005-04:00

THQ hosted a "farewell tea" for us before we left Zimbabwe. It was really nice, and the chance to give a speech of thanks to everyone. We decided to treat everyone to pizza, even though it cost a small fortune ($2.5 trillion for 16 pizzas). It was worth it to know we'd hit trillionaire status, and also to see people's smiles as they had this rare treat. We could use a trillion now. Even a million... Life in Canada is expensive. I suppose it's just because there's so much to buy! I must admit that I love that about this country. If you're hungry, you can go to any number of shops/restaurants and get something to eat. If you need to pay for something, you can do so in any number of forms (i.e. withdrawing cash from the bank, debit, visa). The simple pleasures of life in an "easy" country... Church is more calm here though. I miss the dancing and hoshos and vibrant praise. We need to meet some Zimbabweans.

We found a place to live. It's a 2 bedroom apartment in Thorncliffe Park, and I think this will be a really interesting neighbourhood to live in. Once again, we are in the minority. Last night we had supper at a local Afghani restaurant (the food is SO good - try it!), and we were the only non-Middle Eastern people in there. I like that. Saturday I went to the medical clinic in the local mall, and I felt like I was standing in line for the United Nations instead.

We felt our baby move for the first time last night. I think s/he was doing somersaults. That's got to be a sign of athleticism! I went into the baby section of Zellers to look for a baby shower gift. The baby clothes are so cute! I bawled my eyes out from being so happy. What a miracle...

Happy Canada day!

2008-07-02T17:56:00.002-04:00

Happy Canada day for yesterday. Of course, it was a surprise for us to be in Canada for this day, but we proudly wore red and white and ate burgers and corn on the cob to celebrate our nation.
Some things I like about Canada:

- Freedom of speech, freedom of thought, freedom of religion, etc.
- We have lots of food here. I mean, LOTS... (have I told you I'm averaging 6 meals a day since being home??)
- No one knows what a Canadian "looks" like - we're a very diverse people
- Pedestrians have the right of way
- There are lots of trees and green space
- Being nationalistic in Canada means that you're tolerant of all people
- I don't feel afraid - even when walking alone in the innercity at night
- Canada borders two oceans and there are lots of lakes
- You can drink water straight from the tap
- You don't have to mix your milk from a powder - they sell it fresh everywhere
- There is lots of electricity
- Women can wear pants without being labeled as prostitutes
- We're not a military state; you don't see soldiers walking around the streets
- There are dogs, but they're not wild nor desperately underfed and vicious
- With your cell phone, you can make a call that will actually go through immediately
- Politics are boring, not life threatening
- etc.

Those are some of the things I'm appreciating about the true, north strong and free this year. As for adjusting... well, it's an emotional roller coaster. I feel new things every day. Grieving for Zimbabwe is a complicated grief, because in a way I loved Zimbabwe (the people, the way I was growing there and being part of something significant and meaningful, the adventure, my friends and family...) and in a way I hated Zimbabwe (watching people suffer, self-censoring all of my speech, feeling stressed constantly about what could happen next, living in a place that continually gets worse and knowing that it is because of poor leadership, ethical challenges...) My family is all so relieved that we're back - they can stop worrying about us. But now I have a whole host of people to worry about, and yet I'm not supposed to stress. Of course there's stress in Canada too. Because we have so much choice here. What cell phone do I buy? Where should I live? How much is reasonable to pay for rent? What type of ice cream do I want? What should I do with my life? The burden of choice - the burden of wealth...

A surprise - back in Toronto

2008-06-30T14:55:00.004-04:00

We're back in Toronto. It all happened really fast. Last Tuesday (the day after I last blogged) it was announced in Zimbabwe that we would be leaving the country. Then we left Thursday afternoon (two days later; the day before the re-run of the election). The Salvation Army in Canada had become quite concerned about our situation in Zimbabwe. Things have definitely changed since March (the election). No longer were we just stressed about not finding food or lack of electricity or water or freedom. All of a sudden there was a widespread campaign of terror, with many, many people being beaten, tortured, killed, forced to attend political meetings and rallies, others being forced to flee their homes, crackdown on all NGOs... the list goes on. The violence started coming into Harare, and to be honest, I wasn't feeling as safe anymore.

The past week has been incredibly rushed, emotional and crazy. We had two days to wrap up our two years and two months in Zimbabwe. It was insane (although I thank God for those two days, because one option being considered was for us to leave straight from South Africa, and then we wouldn't have been able to say good-bye at all). We packed up our little house and had to decide who to give what to. We gave away almost anything, and yet minutes before we left, there were still children and old women looking through our garbage outside to see if there was anything to salvage. I know it was the right decision to go. I know that it's not healthy to be pregnant and constantly stressed about what could happen. But it was so hard to leave. Starting from Tuesday we had a steady stream of visitors in our house - people coming to say good-bye; people coming to say that they understood why we were leaving, but they were just so disappointed. It was beautiful to have so many prayers prayed over us - from old gogos to little kids. The hardest good-byes for me were with my two mothers. They have both experienced a lot of loss in their lives, and our departure was just one more. Thursday many of our friends came out to farewell us at the airport. I was crying by the end, and John thinks my sobbing made our exit past immigration/CIO/customs, etc. nice and easy. But I bawled and totally wanted to turn back. I'm thankful that it was such a long journey home, because it gave us time to adjust to the idea of being in another world.

How do I feel? Physically I feel fine - just a little tired from lack of sleep in the past days and stress. Emotionally I feel all kinds of things. It's good to be home. I feel like eating everything I see and I like the sense of feeling free and safe, and being with family and friends. But to be honest, mainly at this stage I feel like part of my heart is missing, and I'm worried for my family and friends in Zimbabwe. Also, it feels weird to just resume my "old life" when I've had such a "drastic" experience (that has felt more like 10 years than 2). However, we're back, and now we just need to start a new chapter. Right now we don't know what that will look like, but in good time... Of course, thank you to all of those who have prayed for us, and who have prayed for Zimbabwe. Please don't let the prayers stop! They're still so needed.

Back in Zim

2008-06-23T03:21:00.003-04:00

Saturday we went hiking in the hills with Stacey and Bijou, so John was thrilled (even with the "war wound" to his leg) and Buhle cooked us supper. I think that's the first time I've seen an African man cook in the home.We got back to Zimbabwe yesterday. Besides new forms for entry (requesting our parents' names and places of birth, etc.) everything went smoothly. Monitoring people's movements is becoming a big feature in Zim these days. If you want to leave your village to come to the city, you need to get written permission, and to state exactly where you're going, why and for how long. And of course, many, many people have been moved beyond their will to flee violence and that means they cannot vote Friday in the place where they are registered.

I went to our church for the afternoon service. Since becoming pregnant, I've been skipping the afternoon service to take naps, but it is a better service, in my opinion. There's much more dancing and lively singing and hosho playing and timbrels. I can't believe I spent so many years of my life without dancing in church... I have always admired the joy in church services in Zimbabwe. Joy through tough times; dancing upon injustice. Yesterday I was also just thankful for the freedom to go to church. Many people in our nation were prevented from going to church yesterday - either because they were afraid to leave their homes, or because when they got to church, the whole congregation was loaded into a bus to attend the mandatory political rally (making it look like all the churches are supporting a certain party).

A friend came by after church to give us some advice. He said that people in town (and at road blocks) are being stopped and requested to say one of the new political slogans, to prove their support and to show that they've been at the rallies. The one he taught us was "WW - win or war" (catchy? scary?) I think our white skin might betray us, but at least we know it if we're asked. We were also told not to go out at night. Many people are "disappearing" for an evening or a night and coming back bruised and beaten. One of the main slogans for ZANU-PF is "100% independence" and "100% empowerment." Is this true independence and freedom? Or is it fear and intimidation? We heard that the Opposition has backed out of the re-run (because he's being prevented from doing any campaigning, and there's no way this is free or fair), so we are unsure what will happen this Friday. Please keep praying for Zimbabwe.

World Refugee Day

2008-06-20T09:31:00.003-04:00

It's World Refugee Day today. I worked at The Salvation Army's Immigrant & Refugee Centre in Toronto for 2 years and loved it. It was an awesome job, and I truly appreciated the joy of being surrounded by newcomers to Canada from almost every country imaginable. There will always be a special place in my heart for refugees. I cannot imagine the pain of being forced to leave your home due to violence. Although now I live in a country where this is happening on a daily basis...

Today we went to an IDP (internally displaced persons) camp here in Joburg. It was eerie to drive by the thousands of tents in one camp on our first night - to see that scene in South Africa. But they've been set up all around the country due to the xenophobic attacks here. We went with the local Salvation Army to serve lunch, and my French really came in handy, because we met many Congolese and Burundians who had been victimized. John was giving out the apples and oranges, and being the health-nut that he is, allowed people to come through 3 - 4 times to get their fill of fruit! They told us horrible stories about being chased, thrown out of combis, kicked out of their jobs and their homes, being beaten, some even being burned alive. There are plans to repatriate them, but the problem is that many of them came to South Africa to escape violence and war. We even saw one of our Zimbabwean neighbours in the camp. He had moved to South Africa to try to survive and make a life for himself, but then he faced this hatred. Stacey was telling us that one woman who gave birth during the attacks named her child Xeno. He will never forget. This is the rainbow nation with 11 official languages, and a huge victory over apartheid in its recent history, but the huge inflow of illegal migrants has caused competition for housing and jobs with poor South Africans, and therefore this hatred erupted. Let's pray for harmony. One thing that did amaze me was that in the camp (and in Stacey's English class yesterday) when people heard we were living in Zimbabwe, they said "sorry!" and showed pity. Just like when I was in the IDP camps in Northern Uganda last year, the people in this terrible situation felt sorry for US!

On a cheerier note, we did go ice skating last night - which was random and fun. Trinity (the very cute two year old that we're staying with) skated on her own, to the delight of her Canadian mother as well as Zulu father. I was impressed too. Ice skating is so magical and romantic - as long as you can stay on your feet and get hot chocolate afterwards! It was an awesome night.

Comrades and Durban

2008-06-19T10:46:00.003-04:00

Greetings from Joburg. We are back from Durban. John ran the Comrades on Sunday with over 11,000 other people, running from Pietermaritzburg to Durban (89kms). Unfortunately, John got sick and was vomiting, cramping and generally enduring pain. It was also quite hot. I was SO relieved when I finally saw him run into the stadium in just under 11 hours. I admire John for many reasons, but one is his determination and courage to press on even when things are really tough. He did it! Of course, he was disappointed, but I was really proud. I had an interesting chat with another "fan" in the international tent. She asked where I was from. I said, "Canada, but I live in Zimbabwe now." Her response was, "well, those are 2 very different countries. I think Zimbabwe made the front page today - let me check my newspaper. Yep there's the headline, "Mugabe declares war" (on his own people) - oh, sorry about that." Canada never makes the news - it's such a "boring" place to live (and yet so safe and with so much food!) That night we celebrated John's achievement in our hotel room with room service (cheeseburgers). I was so excited! We haven't had room service since our honeymoon! It feels so grown up... :) We also saw the top 3 female winners in our hotel the next day. I felt starstruck. They're all Russian and REALLY fast.

The next day we rested and spent time at the beautiful beach. I LOVE the ocean - seeing the waves crash in and just feeling God's majesty. Then it rained for 2 days. We spent one at a mall (OK, I was amazed and overwhelmed by the cornerstore, with all of its bread and milk products, nevermind a mall!) And then we spent a day at uShaka marineworld. There was a dolphin show, a seal presentation, and we dined with sharks (it's a restaurant in the bottom of a ship with a huge window leading to tank with sharks in it). They had giant seaturtles too. The aquarium was beautiful. The fish were so cool, and there were so many species I'd never seen before. I wish I could show you photos, but we didn't have the camera. All I can recommend is that you come to Durban and visit uShaka. You won't regret it. There is also a lot of food in South Africa. It's nice to see and John thinks we've gained 10lbs since Friday. Now we're in Joburg with our friends til Sunday. Everyone thinks Stacey and I are sisters since we look "exactly alike." She's a lot of fun, and so is her family. I've heard rumours that we're going ice skating tonight...

NGOs, a rooster and a race

2008-06-12T02:34:00.003-04:00

All Non-Governmental Organizations have been asked to cease activity and help until further notice (i.e. likely until after the run-off elections on the 27th). Certain agencies were accused of telling people that unless they vote for the opposition, they will not receive food. Now the people don't have a chance to comply or not to comply. No food is being given out. Some people who were relying on NGOs for their ARVs are now stranded; missing their life-giving drugs. I was meant to attend a meeting today of various HIV/AIDS organizations. It was called off because the organizers fear widespread arrest (the guy who phoned me to tell me about the meeting asked, "do you honestly want to be in jail until after the 27th?" Uh, no!) Only "voter education" meetings are allowed these days in the country (i.e. how to vote for the ruling party). All other gatherings are suspect. Church services have been interrupted, and even funerals can be hijacked. A friend was telling me that he attended a funeral for a relative in the rural areas. A war veteran stood up in the funeral and started pointing his gun at the mourners - telling them to make sure they vote the "right" way. The situation in this country will not cease to devastate me. I get it - pride, selfishness, thirst for power, fear of personal security for the future... but how can you live with yourself knowing that you're making your own people suffer so much?

Now, I know I'm supposed to refrain from the stress-inducing/depressing blogs, but sometimes I need to get it out. On a lighter note, have I told you about the rooster? He is our neighbour's and he has a very high and loud voice! Unfortunately, I think the rooster is developing some form of dementia. In my mental health courses at grad school, we never actually covered poultry, so this is just an educated guess. You see, this rooster (which is actually closer to our house than to our neighbour's - convenient!) crows throughout the night. We used to think it was a "quaint" alarm clock, but now it's a really loud on-the-hour chime. John is generally a peaceful, easy-going man, but he is considering the option of premeditated murder. We need to pray for him.

We also need to pray for John because he's running Comrades on Sunday - yes, that insane 89km race in Durban, South Africa! We fly out tomorrow and we're going to spend a few days' holiday in SA before returning to Zim. He's been training a lot, and doing more hill work, so he hopes to complete in less than 9 hours. (Is this insane?) He found some running buddies a few weeks ago, so we'll meet up with them when we get there. Go Team Zimbabwe! In case I'm not on the net - Happy Fathers' Day for Sunday! Three cheers for all the amazing dads out there...

Nice things

2008-06-11T08:00:00.004-04:00

- We had a doctor's appointment today. I love the ultrasounds - seeing our little one moving around. The doctor says everything looks good and healthy. Also, that my slight dizziness when I stand up to sing is normal! The baby waved at us and also looked relaxed with her/his hands behind his head! For the third time in a row, the doctor has given us a free appointment. In this context, that is crazy generous (the woman before us paid $45billion)! Most women here have never had an ultrasound, so we are blessed.

- A man offered me a free banana on the street the other day. Again, incredibly generous in this context (since they cost $500million/each). When you've got it, you've got it! (I wonder if I'll still look 18 when I'm 60?...)

- We had caesar salad last night for supper and it tasted like a miracle.

- There's a Salvation Army church that sends us CDs of their services once a month (Woodroffe Temple). The one I listened to this morning had my parents' voices on it because they were the guest speakers. What a treat! I even got to hear my dad tell a story for kids' time - just like the good ol' days.

Our angel and my son-in-law

2008-06-10T09:27:00.003-04:00

Last night an angel appeared at our front doorstep. She didn't have wings nor a long white robe, but her smile was angelic. Our friend Kim is the administrator for Masiye Camp - this amazing Salvation Army camp in the south of the country that runs holiday camps for children orphaned by HIV/AIDS. They also serve their community with a whole variety of incredible programmes. Kim is a superstar and we love her. For her work she often has to travel to Botswana to get food supplies, etc. This time she went and thought of us. Check out what she brought to our doorstep last night (out of the blue)... caesar salad dressing, lasagna noodles, bacon, eggs, oreos, tomato paste, corn flakes, lemons from her garden... She is a pregnant woman's dream! I was really touched by Kim's generosity (so much so that I ranked her with angelic status). What a friend. It's clear that she read my blog about food cravings (don't we all want friends who truly listen to us?) and then she went out of her way (ok, she went out of her country!) to buy us special treats. I am truly touched. Friendship is a beautiful thing. Being loved is a beautiful thing. So many of us think of doing nice things for others and then don't take action. Kim took action. Thanks, Kim!

I just spent the day at an interesting inter-church meeting on the national HIV behaviour change strategy for Zimbabwe. I blogged about behaviour change yesterday, so I won't go into it. But three interesting things happened at the training: a) when we were making introductions, one woman got up and said "I am 59 years old. 8 years ago I found out that my husband had another wife and was living in a polygamous marriage without my knowledge. I went to get tested for HIV and learned that I was positive. We got divorced and now I'm living positively." The room was silent. b) they gave us a "sitting fee" just for showing up. This amount was more than we have in the entire HIV/AIDS account at my workplace and my monthly salary put together. Hmmm. c) They served us lunch at this meeting. I sat down at a table, and then an older man came and sat beside me and I learned that he is a Lutheran bishop. Someone came by and called me Mai Shumba. I explained how we were given totems when we came to Zimbabwe and that John is a lion and I'm a monkey. Then he got nervous and said "so you're my mother in law and that means that I can't eat facing you." I told him that I thought we could let it pass - seeing as he didn't know about our connection when he sat down! :)

HIV/AIDS

2008-06-09T04:44:00.003-04:00

In my undergrad I took a fascinating course on African politics with a brilliant Nigerian professor. He loved my first paper and thought I was a genius (which was great for my ego!) Then I wrote my second paper - on AIDS in Africa. I did a lot of research and tried to cover as many "aspects" as possible. He didn't even mark it and returned it to me with the comment, "see me after class." So I did, and he said he was shocked and disappointed to read my section on behaviour patterns that promote the spread of HIV. I had written about the mines in South Africa - how migrant men were kept alone for months/years working in the mines without seeing their families and the availability of prostitutes and then the men bringing HIV back to their families. I had written about the dangers of truck drivers carrying HIV within and across borders. And many other examples. In my essay I covered the massive effect of poverty on HIV and the role of the West, but I also wrote about how Africans could change behaviour patterns to lower the risk. My professor called me racist and a huge disappointment, since he had thought I was so promising. I was crushed. A person like me finds the "racist" label pretty hard to swallow.

Now I'm an HIV/AIDS Coordinator living and working in Zimbabwe. Of course I'm still very young in this field, and still a visitor in this country. I'm very far from being an expert on anything, but I've had the opportunity to be in many forums on HIV and I've had open ears and eyes. I still believe that the West's failure to help and extreme poverty are huge instigators for HIV, but I can't dismiss behaviour change either. I've heard some frightening stories - like the sex worker who was sexually abused as a child and later raped and infected by a family member. She took on her profession as revenge - to try to infect as many men as possible. Or the truck driver who keeps himself "safe" by only sleeping with married women along his routes. He picks them up and makes them pay for their "lifts" with sex - often in front of her children who are with her. Many people in the church still promote the idea that condoms are evil/sinful or that if a wife requests her husband to wear one, it's because she is being unfaithful herself. I've blogged before about the persistent belief that men simply cannot control themselves sexually, and therefore if they are dissatisfied at home, they have the right to go find other women to meet their needs. Then there's polygamy... I'm a liberal. I'm used to blaming the West for everything. But some of these practices aren't that helpful! We ALL have a responsibility to ensure that millions of people on this continent stop dying so unnecessarily.

Scary white people and winter mornings

2008-06-06T01:50:00.004-04:00

The other day some kids were playing at the back of our house. One of them - Gina - climbed on a pipe in order to try to look in our window. She fell and the pipe broke. When I came home, one of the other kids told me about this, so I went to Gina's parents, explained, and just asked them to remind her to be careful. They did more than that. They told her that they were angry, that I was angry, and that if I ever saw her around the house again I would eat her! Yesterday I saw the poor thing and she ran away from me as fast as she could. I went to the house and made peace. I can see where some kids get the idea that murungus (white people) are scary!!

It's winter here. The middle of the day is still quite warm, but the morning and evenings are cold. We have blankets and sweaters, and it's not exactly winter by Canadian standards, but mornings can be tough: #1 - getting out of a warm bed (thankfully, this is made easier when you get to snuggle the love of your life before you do so), #2 - getting out of a hot bath (thankfully, this is made easier on days when there is electricity and you can make yourself a hot chocolate), #3 - eating oatmeal that makes you gag because there are no other breakfast alternatives (thankfully, this is made easier by dousing the oatmeal with raspberry jam!) Food shortages suck - especially when you're pregnant. But we're ok. John even made a sort-of-version-of lasagna the other night. He's a culinary genius.

P.S. I had a dream about a baby just before I woke up and it was marvelous. I actually recognized this baby as my brother Josh (24 years ago!) and he was bouncing like crazy, so happy to see me. I woke up REALLY happy! :)

Toys

2008-06-05T05:32:00.003-04:00

If you've spent time with many missionaries/international NGO workers, you'll probably have noticed that when they come home they're either: a) amazing people with a broader worldview and a beautiful grace and gratitude or b) bitter and angry. I really hope I can be a! I think I will be, but I must admit that sometimes I do feel bitter and angry.

The other day I was looking at the website for a Salvation Army officer serving in the Philippines. She is working at a children's home, and I was looking at her photos from Christmas day last year. It was so cute to see all of these kids with wide smiles at their one gift and special meal for Christmas. But (I'm ashamed to say) part of me also felt anger/sadness at these photos. I thought back to Christmas 2007 in Zim. It was a tough one in this country. Even people who were working could not access their own money from the banks (because they said they were empty). No one had cash, or special food, or toys. I don't know a single child who got a Christmas gift this year. That is not fair.

We were talking to a friend the other day - a Salvation Army officer. He is really committed to his work. He works 14 hour days for a pathetic salary, and yet he always seems to manage a smile and good attitude. He was saying his youngest son approached him saying "Dad, bring me toys from town." When he recounted the story, our friend laughed, "where could I ever find toys?" He spent some good hard-earned money on an orange and brought it home for his son. The son cried and said he wanted a toy! My heart broke for our friend. Imagine being a dad and not being able to afford a single toy for your child...

We came home the other day to find kids working in our garden. When we first moved here, John was quite handy in the garden, but he has lost his spark this year, and our backyard is full of weeds. So these kids came and started digging, hoeing and pulling up weeds. As a reward we gave each of the kids a pencil with a butterfly eraser and a half pack of gum. You should have seen them staring at these erasers - bursting with pride at their "prize." (And you should have seen how many kids we had working in the garden the next day!)

Of course it's a blessing to see kids being creative - playing with sticks and old tires and plastic bags rolled into soccer balls. But part of me thinks it's really unfair that none of them have a real toy or a kids' book. I've said it before, and I will say it again - extreme poverty SUCKS! And yet there is grace and gratitude, because these kids are unbelievably happy. Joyful. It doesn't make sense, and yet it's beautiful!

I'd pay a billion (zim) dollars for a caesar salad right now...

2008-06-03T02:47:00.004-04:00

I'm craving... caesar salad, lasagna, apple sauce... (why do I do this to myself?)

I'm finding it strange... to look down at my stomach and see a "bump."

I'm wishing... Happy Birthday to my Jamaican mother - Mama Joy! I love you!

I'm learning... that if my family was Shona, John's parents would be WAY more excited about this upcoming baby than mine. Because the baby would be their REAL grandchild (with the McAlister name and totem). But in all honesty and Canadian-ness, I think mine are pretty excited!

I'm amazed... that there is a $50billion note now. When will the madness end?

Ha-ha-harare

2008-06-01T08:57:00.004-04:00

My mom was telling me about an article she read last week on best and worst cities. I'm not sure where it was published. Vancouver was #1, Toronto #5 and Harare.... dead last. When she told me this my first reaction was to burst out laughing (I live in the worst city in the world?!?!) and then I started to reflect on this my adopted city.

If I were to be honest, I'd tell you I'm not a huge Harare fan. One of my favourite things about our Christmas holiday in Canada was walking the familiar streets of Toronto - feeling comfortable, at home and safe. Harare... well, it's just different. There's something about all the armed soldiers and riot police walking around, the power and water shortages, the sometimes-empty or sparse shops, the phones being tapped, the skinny yet fierce stray dogs, the sewage and garbage piling up (especially in the high density areas), the long queues for bread, sugar, cash or other rare items, the lack of entertainment (but this could be just because we don't have a car)... Honestly though, it can't be the WORST city in the world to live in! There's a great pizza place (maybe this doesn't count because 98% of the population couldn't afford a pizza?), the roads are still quite good (just try to avoid potholes), the weather is awesome (can a city take credit for this?) and the crime rate is amazingly low. I can't say Ha-ha-harare is fun capital of the world, but it's not that bad. I feel guilty for having written this - like I'm betraying my adopted land. We do love the people in Zim, but the city... well, we could take or leave it.

By the way, God gave me a miracle on Saturday. We were taking a combi partway home from town. In order to make maximum profit, the combi drivers stuff as many human bodies as possible into their vehicles. I was squished between the side and a big man, and then another man came to lean on top of me. My face was literally in his armpit. The combi was stuffy and I started feeling really faint. Then God gave me my miracle! The window next to me actually worked and I could open it a crack. Fresh air. Beautiful, wonderful fresh air - so much nicer than armpit residue! Thank you, Lord!

Dad and John

2008-06-01T08:45:00.003-04:00

I have the best dad in the world. You can try to argue with me, but I already know I'm right. I love my dad so much! He's honest, fun, funny (in his own way), kind, thoughtful, spiritually deep, encouraging and many more. Also, when we were kids and my mom would go away, he would let us make "cheese in a cup." It's a simple recipe - you take a block of cheese, put it in a cup and melt it in the microwave. Mmmm. Mom didn't let us do this, but Dad did. Happy belated birthday, Dad. Wish I were there to give you a hug in person...

I have the best husband in the world. You can try to argue with me, but I already know I'm right. I love John so much! He sacrifices a lot for me (including the covers on a cold night). He always takes the bath water after I've used it and lingered in it when it's most hot, and when I order a meal that's too heavy or that I don't like, he always trades with me. He also believes me now that some foods just make my stomach turn (due to pregnancy) and so he doesn't force me to eat them, even if they're healthy. John is the love of my life. I almost always fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow but the other night, John miraculously fell asleep before me. I watched him sleep and started bawling at the thought that I love him so much. He was even gracious about being woken up by the sobbing!

See, there are some good men out there!

Famous and free (?)

2008-05-29T02:40:00.004-04:00

We did it! We reached 1,000,000% inflation (yep, that's a million percent and climbing!) We're in a country that's making history. Too bad it can't be for something good... I always pray for a complete turnaround in the economy here. But it will take a miracle.

We just got a huge salary rise ($9billion each or $22US/month). That's better than we've had in a long time. In fact, it can buy 2 chickens or 2 high school exam fees for one student. Last night we were visiting with some good friends from Nigeria. They have 4 children here who are all in school, and they are struggling to pay for their fees and exam fees (never mind finding food...) I admire them immensely for their integrity, and the way they are avoiding the corruption that has become normalized in society and in the church here. They are in high positions, and so they are always getting pressure to just "take" money from the Army funds, or to start a business or to accept financial gifts, but they refuse. "It's not The Salvation Army way." It's a bizarre situation here, where hardly anyone is making enough to survive off of. So "alternate means" have become normal and accepted. I heard a youth complaining yesterday that no one talks about spiritual matters at his church anymore; it's all just (informal) business deals. When I was at the training last week they encouraged us to mix and mingle and to try to refrain from only meeting people to sell them the goods we had brought for our business. One lady told me she steals from her boss' account each week in order to get money for transportation. Her boss found out that she was stealing from the company and when she explained what the money was for, he said, "well, I guess that makes sense." Does it? I do wonder... when the economy does stabilize; when people do get paid enough to both eat and send kids to school - will the corruption and the business deals stop? Or has it just become a way of life?

Oh, and about school. School should be free. That's my belief. They say school is free here, but it's absolutely not. We've been paying for several students to be able to take their high school exams, because if they don't, they'll never finish school. We paid $3billion 2 weeks ago for one friend. She came back last weekend saying the school had a small "top up fee" ($4billion) - more than the original. We also heard about a high density area where the sewage is getting really bad and cholera is a big problem. People in the community were told, "if you're worried about it, just try to fix the problem yourself." Public sewage has become a personal responsibility. And don't get me started on the private hospitals and mission hospitals that are full of people who have been injured in political violence (note: public hospitals won't take them). I'm not allowed to talk about that.

The other day I was humming along to the radio and my neighbour said to me, "do you know what this song is about?" no. "It's about the liberation struggle. They're playing all of the old war songs on the radio these days to remind people of liberation." Is this what liberation looks like? Is this what freedom looks like?

A nice long weekend

2008-05-27T03:13:00.004-04:00

First off... CONGRATULATIONS to my brother Josh and sister-in-law Jenn - they are pregnant. The cousins will be very close in age. We're so excited for them!

Happy Africa day (for Sunday)! I hope you celebrated in style. The only celebrations we heard about were political rallies, so we decided to abstain. We did enjoy the long weekend though... Friday night we hosted an exciting game of Monopoly with some friends. John and I tend to get a wee bit competitive with this game, so we decided to tag-team. I started playing with our four friends while John cooked pasta. Then we broke for dinner, and John took over my (pitiful) hand while I did dishes and baked (don't get too excited - it was a "just add water" mix!) It was fun. Saturday I spent most of the day writing a sermon, and John ran, but we also had yummy Thai food at the Blue Banana. We were going to walk there for exercise, but a white guy in a meat-packers' truck offered us a lift near the shops. He kept referring to the fact that Saturday was his drinking day, and he had just packed away a few, so we were thankful to arrive safely. Sunday we spent the day at Highfield Temple - a huge Salvation Army corps. There were people everywhere - standing at the back, sitting on the floor, and sharing seats. It was a blessed day, and I enjoyed preaching/leading the service/using my limited Shona. John gave two excellent talks on giving and praying. We went to Highfield with one of John's mother-in-laws, and we discovered that she is a bit picky for food. Between the services we went to the officers' house for lunch where 2 of the home league women had spent the whole morning preparing rice, beef stew, chicken, coleslaw, etc. (a feast). This officer sat down and said, "I don't take rice. Make me sadza." And she wasn't joking. So we all ate and she waited for her sadza. When it arrived she complained that it wasn't cooked well. Our hosts also brought bottles of fanta (a big treat) and she immediately said, "I don't take fanta - find me something else." But that was all they had. The salvation service started and had been going on for 20 minutes, so the C.O. came in and suggested, we may want to go in. My mother said, "can't you see I'm still eating my ice cream?" So we waited a bit longer. I was reminded of the importance of graciousness! Monday we rested. To be honest, we slept in, and then when John went for his run, I got in the bath and stayed there for 45 minutes. I was a prune. After I got out I went to read and ended up having a 2 hour nap. Talk about a day of rest! What am I going to do when I can't "blame" this type of behaviour on the pregnancy any longer? We did walk (exercise!) into town for an interesting movie about Saudi Arabia. I stupidly wore my "I'll fight club" t-shirt (referring to William Booth's famous speech about fighting injustice). Not a good choice for tense Zimbabwe these days... In the evening we visited some friends, and I was humbled and blessed by these two old women who have failing health and yet spend most of their time caring for others who are not well. That's Zimbabwean women for you - very self-sacrificial. I hope I can be like this when I'm an old gogo!

This morning in the bath I was thinking about my totem (monkey-baboon) because we referred to our totems at Highfield and that was a big hit! I realized that because totems are passed through the father, all of my siblings, and my dad and his siblings and my grandpa are also monkeys/baboons. And I started picturing a family reunion and it got me cracking up.

A few tidbits

2008-05-23T08:05:00.003-04:00

Well, I was all offended about John's comment that my pregnancy is resulting in mood swings and then last night I had a complete meltdown. So yeah... it's true.

It was awesome to see our friend Kim this week. She is a continual source of blessing and encouragement to us. Plus, usually when she comes to Harare, we get to go out for yummy Chinese food. I really miss all my friends in Toronto who used to bring us bags of fresh dumplings! I know how to make them, but it's much more fun to make them with my friends.

My training is over. Thankfully I knew how to put a condom on a wooden penis (gotta love those demonstrations) and my bag wasn't chosen for the object lesson on discrimination. They took all of the ladies' purses and put them on a table. Then they announced that they would be emptying the contents of one. The ladies went crazy (a woman's purse is private!) As it turns out, they had planted a "used" condom (thankfully only filled with water) in someone's bag. But when they pulled it out the "chosen" lady just started laughing nervously and saying, "I was sure I disposed of that last night..." AWKWARD!

New photos are up! Namibia, swimming with penguins in Cape Town, Z.S.Y.L. in Trojan and even one of me looking a bit pregnant.

Please pray for South Africa. As I'm sure you know, there is a lot of violence happening against Africans from other countries (including a lot of Zimbabweans). I'm proud of my friend Stacey who has been mobilizing a lot of action to help them and volunteering her own heart and time. We need to keep that country in our prayers.

Have a nice weekend!

Q&A with John

2008-05-21T05:45:00.006-04:00

Rochelle is attending an HIV/AIDS training seminar at a local hospital this week, so I said that I’d post another blog today. I usually prefer to publish a blog post once every three to four months, but I’m sure the parental figures will appreciate reading another entry and knowing that I’m alive and well and still know how to spell correctly.

I have nothing profound or particularly moving to share (which is why I never bother to blog), so I thought I’d just answer a few questions that have come from various friends and family members over the past few months.

How is The Salvation Army different in Zimbabwe from Canada?
Well, The Salvation Army has over a hundred thousand members in Zimbabwe, so it’s quite a bit bigger than in Canada. When we walk down the street, we frequently meet people who want to introduce themselves to us and tell us that The Salvation Army is their church.

Salvationists love wearing their uniforms. We have a cream-coloured uniform that we wear in summer (Sept-April) and a grey uniform in winter (May-August). Women always wear Salvation Army hats or head cloths.

In Canada, The Salvation Army is primarily known as a social service agency. In Zimbabwe, the Army is a church first and foremost. We have two hospitals, a few small social centres and schools, but the emphasis of the Army is always on church life.

Zimbabwean Salvationists love dancing and using their timbrels and hoshos (a small gourd that is filled with seeds or beads and shaken to make music). It’s not uncommon for meetings to last many hours (we’ve been to lots of six to seven hour services), so it’s good that the worship is lively and fun.

Salvation Army officers (pastors) receive a lot of respect. At regional or national events, the officers have special seating apart from other Salvationists and will also eat separately from them.

What is the hardest part about working for The Salvation Army in Zimbabwe?
I’ve always been a bit suspicious of organized religion, so it can be difficult to work with such an autocratic organization. Culturally, the structure works well here in Zimbabwe, but as a postmodern Canadian, I have trouble conforming and surrendering my individuality and freedom. I have to keep reminding myself that I am an outsider, and that I need to be respectful of the way things work here. I also struggle with the way senior leaders have so much power and authority over others.

I’ve been a bit critical about the Salvation Army’s involvement with politics, but I probably need to chill a bit about that. It’s easy for me to decide what’s right and wrong, but I will never truly understand how complicated and dangerous the issue of politics is for local Salvationists. I can always jump on a plane and leave for Canada, but Zimbabwean Salvationists need to live and survive through it all. Some Salvation Army officers and soldiers have lost their homes and belongings and even family members due to political violence, so it’s important to use wisdom and discernment when dealing with politics. The activist in me wants to do something, but as a foreigner, the best thing (I’m still figuring this out) is for me to just shut up and concentrate on loving people.

To be honest, the hardest thing is seeing our coworkers struggle to survive in harsh economic conditions. They keep smiling and remaining cheerful, but we know that it is not easy to feed, clothe and educate their children when their salaries are so low. And many of them are looking after their nieces and nephews as well.

We have been treated with so much kindness and love by Zimbabwean Salvationists. There are frustrations, of course, but we have enjoyed the privilege of living and working here and sharing life with so many people.

What’s with the electricity blackouts? How often do you have no electricity? How do you cook?
It varies week to week. Due to the economic challenges in the country, we face frequent power cuts or load shedding to conserve power. Last week we had no power in the mornings or the evenings, but then we had electricity for most of the weekend. Some weeks we have lots of electricity, and then the next few weeks we will be surprised when the power is on. You get used to the situation pretty quickly. We have a small camping stove that we use to cook our meals. Most of our neighbours cook over a fire in their backyards. We have a rechargeable lantern that helps us see in our home, which enables us to save money on candles. We actually don’t mind the electricity cuts too much. We only get anxious when we experience water shortages.

What do you do to relax in the evenings?
Most of our neighbours have TV’s and satellites, so they generally watch South African television. We don’t have a TV, but we do have a laptop that we use to watch DVD movies or TV show series. The laptop is great because even when there is no electricity we can still watch a movie or TV show. We also read a lot, but not as much these days as it is dark early (winter) and we have power cuts most evenings.

We heard that there are food shortages? What do you eat?
The worst of the food shortages were last year, between August-December. These days the situation is pretty good, but the prices are very high. We eat very simply, though, and get a lot of our food items from a local fruit and vegetable market down the street from our house. We eat tomatoes, onions, carrots, peppers, potatoes, squash and, when available, peas and corn. We also have oranges and apples and, when in season, avocadoes and mangoes. Every few months we travel to South Africa and buy lots of rice, pasta, lentils and milk powder to tide us over. I make bagels for Rochelle every couple of weeks. We also have some beef a few times a week. In the morning we usually have some oatmeal. We eat healthily and we seem to be in good health. My dad sends me lots of chocolate, so I probably eat too much of that.

What’s with the running? Do you really enjoy running such long distances? What exactly is an ultramarathon?
I think I’m most relaxed when I’m out running. I don’t run too fast, so I just cruise along at a comfortable pace and then think or meditate or just float along without worrying about too much. Once you’re in decent shape, running is just like walking, so you don’t have to concentrate on what you’re doing. When I’m out running, there are no distractions, so it really is a great opportunity for me to relax and find some peace and quiet. Sometimes I bring along my iPod, but I usually run without music. An ultramarathon is any race that is longer than a standard marathon (42 km). So a 50 km race would be a baby ultramarathon, and then there are 50 mile and 100 mile races, although there are other distances as well. I’m running an 89 km (56 mile) ultramarathon on June 15 in South Africa. Running long distances is easy as long as you stay relaxed and bring water and some type of food with you. Shoes are optional.

Are you really addicted to chocolate?
Yes. It’s not healthy, so I need to do something about it. They say that the first step in beating an addiction is admitting you have a problem. Does anyone know what the second step is?

Does Rochelle look pregnant yet?
I can tell now, but most people would never be able to notice. She’s about 15 weeks at this point, so it’s still early for her to be showing. And since she’s so skinny, she could probably hide her pregnancy for at least another couple of months. Her mood swings, fatigue and constant gagging provide much more obvious signs of her pregnancy.

Do you know the sex of the baby yet?
No, not yet. We might find out next month. Feel free to vote on what gender you think the baby will be (see poll to the right).

There are lots of news reports about Zimbabwe these days. Are you sure you’re safe?
At the moment we are quite safe as long as we are careful about where we travel. There are definitely some areas of the country (and even in the city) where it is not safe for us to visit, so we just stay away. We hope that the situation will calm down after the run-off elections being held on June 27. We trust that no matter the outcome of the presidential election, peace and stability will return to Zimbabwe and the country will move forward. We are safe at home and at work, so please don’t worry about us.

Let's talk about sex!

2008-05-21T01:53:00.002-04:00

I'm in a training this week with Ignite Africa. It's about finding a new way to talk about HIV/AIDS and it's really interesting. In Zimbabwe, it seems that most people are tired of hearing about HIV and yet there are still lots of misconceptions and so education needs to continue - but perhaps in a different way. Yesterday we spent most of the day talking about sex. The really strongly held beliefs here that I struggle with are: a) "sure a woman is equal - she can even be the president of a country; but not in the home. At home, a woman can never be equal. It's not Christian" (this might be related to the high price of lobola that men pay to "buy" their wives) and b) "men need to go out and have girlfriends outside of marriage, but a woman should remain pure."

An awkward moment yesterday was being put into groups. The officer John shares an office with was in my group. Our topic was: "common mistakes made before, during and after sex" and they wanted specifics. Things like "not knowing the movements" and "not assessing climax time" were some of the more "tame" ones. There were some young girls in our group with honest questions, and they were asking us (as married people) to give the details. It was just awkward. I view my sex life as private/intimate! Oh well. We need to learn to talk about sex if we're going to address HIV!

She's So Drama

2008-05-20T05:32:00.003-04:00

As you can tell from her blogs, my wife is so drama… She loves people and cares deeply for them, so it’s difficult for her to see innocent people suffer. Being silent is hard for her, and since we are not allowed to speak out against injustice, this blog is a way for her to express some of her frustrations. Thankfully there are other organizations and churches in Zimbabwe who believe in social justice and who are willing to speak out on behalf of the oppressed. We, however, will just have to remain quiet and do our best to love and support the people we are in relationship with. We do feel like sell-outs on a regular basis, but we’ll just have to keep working through that. One thing that has really helped me deal with this situation is to keep my copy of Oscar Romero’s writings hidden at the back of my bookshelf. I also try to avoid reading two-thirds of my Bible.

Life was so much simpler when we were young. As adults, we are learning that life is a lot more complicated than we ever thought it would be. As children, we were taught the importance of obeying our leaders, following through on our commitments and promises, maintaining our principles and integrity, and helping those who are suffering. As adults, we now realize how difficult it can be to do all of these at once.

If you see people being beaten, what should you do? As a Canadian, my natural response is to stop the violence and do my best to ensure that it does not happen again. However, as a Zimbabwean resident who works for a high-profile organization, I need to think about how my actions will affect the people that I work with. If I complain about one person being beaten, does that mean that I am condemning 20 more people to be beaten as a consequence of my actions?

Does being non-partisan mean that you offer unconditional support to the ruling government? When does it stop being non-partisanship and instead become complicity? Why is it acceptable for politicians to use church platforms to campaign for their parties, but not acceptable for the church to challenge governments about significant issues?

What is the role of the church in society? To look after its own members and ensure they’re dressed smart, or to see God’s Kingdom established on earth as it is in heaven?

Why do churches care more about their reputation than about doing what is right? Why do I care more about my reputation than about doing what is right?

Anyway, I know that some of you have been concerned about Rochelle’s well-being, particularly now that she is pregnant with our first child. Yes, she struggles with the situation here, but she also loves living in Zimbabwe and sharing life with Zimbabweans. She laughs, sings, smiles and prays on a daily basis, so don’t worry that she carries the emotional baggage of her blog topics with her throughout the day.

Please continue to pray for Zimbabwe.

Exhausted

2008-05-19T03:06:00.006-04:00

It's a shame when you're really tired on a Monday morning. Especially when you've had a 3 day weekend! At our workplace, women officers are given the option of taking Fridays off. I was given this option too. For 2 years my feminist heart cried out "sexist! unfair!" but now my pregnant body is crying out "thank the LORD! another day of rest!" Friday my body won out. It was a tiring weekend, not because we did too much... but just because I spent a lot of time thinking. Trust me, that can be tiring.

I've learned a lot in Zimbabwe, but one big lesson has been how to live in survival mode. People in Zimbabwe are excellent at this. I admire them hugely because no matter what happens, they keep going; they keep surviving. Sunday I got to talk to my brother Joel on the phone. His first question was, "How's it going?" and of course I replied, "we're ok!" Then he said, "Right. As long as you're not under direct threat, you're ok." And I burst out into tears. Because that's what's expected here. No matter what happens, in Zimbabwe you have to be ok. Whether there's food in the shops or the shelves are bare. Whether there's power and electricity or you're in the dark. Whether you're being beaten or tortured or having to sleep outside at night to try to somehow protect your home from being burned down or not. Whether you spent the weekend at funerals and visiting people in the hospital or not. You have to be ok. You have to keep getting up, finding a way to feed your kids breakfast, and making your way to work. That's how you survive.

I've always wondered about the unacknowledged stress of Zimbabweans; what will happen to people's mental health if they finally have a break from this crisis that's been lasting for years. This weekend I started to wonder about myself. The sad truth is that although God - through Zimbabwe - has made me a stronger, deeper person, I still get stressed. I'm still more scared than courageous; more spoiled than noble. For me, living in Zimbabwe is physically, emotionally, ethically and often spiritually exhausting. Physically, I feel like I've aged 20 years in 2. Emotionally, it's sort of hard to assess. I don't feel stressed all the time, but I recognize the nightmares, the effects of severe restrictions on freedom (i.e. freedom to walk places or freedom to say what I'm thinking), the way I felt when I was home in Canada and when I knew there were only a few days before we had to return, etc.. Ethically, due to a lot of reasons I'm afraid to put on a blog (but can I just say that social justice is a lot easier from the comfort of a laptop with a cup of Tim Horton's in your living room than from the field?!?) Spiritually because it's hard not to question God about why He's not intervening in a more obvious way for people who are crying out to Him daily.

Now I'm pregnant, and of course that adds a new element - for parents worrying back home; for a husband who is excited but anxious; for a mother who tends to worry about the whole world and who maybe needs to think of a more limited definition of "family" for a time... (thanks to my wise brother for that too). Whew - I need a nap. I just don't know if 9:30am is too early to get under my desk for some shut-eye...

My hero the Candidate

2008-05-14T08:58:00.003-04:00

I am absolutely afraid of mice and rats. Terrified. They're cute in the animated movies; not in real life. My fear has amused certain people over the years, but I assure you that it is a real fear. It's somewhat illogical because I am much bigger, but... ewww! (Did I tell you about the time when we were kids and I saw a mouse in our kitchen? I jumped on a chair, as did my brave young brother Joel. We both screamed like girls to the joy of my dad who had to come and see what the trauma was!) Anyway, about 10 minutes ago a mouse ran by my office door. I screamed (in moderation) and it got running. I called John and he asked me what I honestly expected him to do about it. Then, thankfully, the Candidate arrived. Candidates are people who are waiting to go to the training college to be trained as Salvation Army officers/pastors. We have 3 at THQ who are learning about ministry mostly through cleaning offices and serving tea (!?) So Tapihwa came, and I reported the unwanted visitor. He found my fear funny, but went straight to the area I'd seen the mouse run to. He moved a table, and it ran out, so the candidate ran after it down the hallway. There was crashing and banging and then he came back with the dead mouse. He left it lying outside of my door for a few minutes as he finished preparing the tea, and then brought it outside. He is my new hero (sorry John!) Thank the Lord for candidates!

P.S. I just told someone that Tapihwa is my hero. She told me to be careful because that could be interpreted as a political statement. Only those who won the liberation war are allowed to be heroes...

November 13 - here we come

2008-05-13T03:34:00.004-04:00

We just had our second appointment with the gynocologist. We had another ultrasound, and our baby is now 8cms. S/he was moving around, turned to look at us and even gave us a thumbs up. What a miracle and a joy! It was awesome. Of course this is Zim, so we didn't get a fancy printout, but we have the images in our minds. The doctor is very impressed with my fitness, which is another miracle, since my exercise has been reduced to lunchtime and weekend walks! God is good. There are still pregnancy challenges - like stomaching certain foods/insulting John's cooking, tiredness, worry that something will go wrong... but seeing our little baby on the screen like that... it makes it all worth it! There's a living, growing, beautiful life inside of me - and not just any life - our child!! OK, so I'm excited! November 13 - here we come. We are daily committing this little life (including health and safety) into the hands of God. Thanks for those who are also already praying for her/him.

P.S. You know when you have a pimple on your face (yes, I'm still treated with these at the age of 30) and it looks huge to you, but you just hope that it can be ignored? No luck here. Zimbabweans are so brutally honest. One lady simply said, "you have a pimple on your face" and another said, "you are looking very ugly these days - your whole face is covered in pimples! I hope it's a phase..." Oh well, nothing can beat my spirits today!

Bagels and Bribes

2008-05-12T06:00:00.004-04:00

It was a fairly relaxing weekend. Well, John ran 65kms on Saturday, but he finds that kind of thing relaxing. I opted for watching our wedding video. I still love it, think it was the best wedding I've ever been to, and cry and laugh in all the same parts (yes, I'm a geek). Best day of my life... John also made bagels, which I have been craving (do I have the best husband or what?) We saw two interesting movies ("Lions for Lambs" and "Into the Wild") and I finished two books ("Who are these Salvationists?" - Shaw Clifton and "Blood River" - Tim Butcher). Blood River is about a journalist's voyage in the Congo - trying to copy the route of the explorer Stanley. It's a fascinating commentary on the Congo today, and interesting to me since we have just been to one small part of that country recently. One theme that comes up over and over is the absence of law and order in the Congo. We certainly sensed this corruption and this fear of those in authority! Even at the airport, when we arrived, we never went inside. Our friend had hired a "protocol" to handle our papers and bags. As foreigners, we would never have been able to tell who was asking for legitimate fees and who was asking for bribes. Even leaving, we just sat in the waiting area while the protocol did everything. Everything just seemed "random" - some people are in uniform and others aren't, the security test for our bags was someone shaking them. How would you know who to trust? I would have never identified lack of law & order as a number one problem in a country, but now I understand how it can destroy a nation. Back in Zim, they've announced that there will be a run-off for the elections, but no one knows when. In the mean time people are being beaten - some for voting the "wrong" way last time, and others because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. People have taken the "law" into their own hands in the rural areas, and it's scary. We're safe - don't worry. It's just worrying.

Another dream

2008-05-09T03:57:00.004-04:00

I had another interesting (less intense) dream last night. I was with a friend (that I don't know in real life) and we went to go buy a sandwich to share. The older lady selling it to us in a cafeteria was very confused. She initially charged $2million and then said $55,000. She was so muddled. So I said to her, "I think the price is $5.5billion." My friend seemed surprised by the price, but I insisted I was right, and we shared the tomato/cheese/lettuce sandwich. Then I woke up from my dream and realized that that would have been about $50US even at blackmarket price. So I tried to go back to the dream to get our money back, but it didn't work. When I was younger, I used to be able to go back to any dream that I thought was particularly interesting. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. I actually slept almost the whole day yesterday. I was home sick - but mostly just exhausted. Everyone says pregnancy is a lot of work, so you need a lot of rest, but I must confess that I just feel lazy. Wednesday I even had to take a little (short) nap under my desk. To think that I ran a half-marathon 6 weeks ago. Now just getting out of bed is a half-marathon! I did wake up in time to have some Kraft Dinner ('cause I heard that more is on the way! - and today got 6 boxes fedexed from an old friend - how sweet is that?!?) and to watch "Rent." Usually I also have a nice, long hot bath on sick days, but the water running from the tap was extremely dirty, so I went in and out - afraid that it would make me more sick.

For Sunday... HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY! None of us would be here without our moms, so let's give them proper honour and love. To my own mom - you have always given me support to dream huge dreams and you have always been there to dry my tears and hug me when my dreams have crashed or taken a twisted route. Thanks - you know I love you. xo

Mother-in-law woes

2008-05-07T03:35:00.003-04:00

I share an office with 2 other people. One of them is married to a tsoko (monkey), which is also my totem, so she is considered to be my mother and John is her son-in-law (mukuasha). Every time he comes to my office and she is here, he must crouch down, clap his hands and greet her properly. The few times he has forgotten to do so, she has pointed and told him to get down (she's a tad traditional!) Monday afternoon at 4:30pm we were packing up to go home. John rushed in to give me his stuff so that he could run home from work. As soon as he came in she started shaking her head and saying "zvakaoma" (it is difficult). I asked what was wrong and she explained that he hadn't knocked. She said that when a mother-in-law is in a room, and the son-in-law comes in without knocking, there must be payment - a chicken, to be precise (live or dead was not clarified). So now we owe her a chicken, but we haven't seen chickens in the shops for months. She said the best thing to do might be for her to keep a list of all of his infractions (there are already several) and then present it at the end of the year. At that point we'll probably have to give her all we own! Sometimes it's not easy to have in-laws!

Stress and a dream

2008-05-06T02:40:00.003-04:00

Since we moved to Zimbabwe, people have told me not to get stressed. Especially now that I am "with child" people are advising me not to worry/not to get stressed. Trust me - I try. But sometimes it's hard in this country - especially if you have a heart. I can't describe to you how painful it is to see people continually suffering; to see a country continue to get more and more difficult each month. This morning we heard about another officer family who had to flee their home due to political violence and slept the night in the bush. Teachers are no longer going to school in rural areas because it's too dangerous. Of course, many people are still starving. And the economy... well they just introduced 2 new bearer's cheques this morning - $100million and $250million. It's helpful (because I mean, we spent a good 15 minutes at the checkout yesterday as the people in front of us had a bill of $33billion - that's a lot of notes to count out!) but it's just a bad sign! Zimbabwe is very Christian, and everyone says, "we are waiting for God to intervene - it's the only way." So when will He? When is enough enough? You can only shed so many tears; cry out so many prayers. How long, LORD?

I had a powerful dream on Sunday night. I was in a rural area and there was a young girl of about 8 with a worn, simple dress. She had been caring for her mother, and her father had already passed away from AIDS. People asked me to be the one to tell her that her mother and 14 year old brother died. She didn't speak any English, and there was no one to translate. So I had to bring this little girl into the church - where her mother and brother had been laid out. She had no relatives left. I hugged her, but it was awkward, because I'd never met her, and didn't speak her language. She just sat on the floor and stared at her late family - occasionally singing; alone in the world. And I crouched in a dark corner, and felt absolutely helpless. I tried to read my Bible, but I couldn't see any of the words. Then all of a sudden, my best friend was there. She was sitting in her own corner, with her own Bible, and she invited me to come sit in the light with her. It was so good to see Sherri and to sit in the light. So we sat and we prayed and we tried to have hope for this little girl. Then my dad appeared, and it was also good to see him. I gave this big speech, saying something like, "Sometimes I miss being a little girl. I miss the days when you - my father - would protect me from all the evil and the injustice in this world. When I would ask you hard questions and you would answer, 'you'll understand when you're older' or 'just trust God.' At the time I thought maybe you were brushing me off, but now I see that you were trying to protect me for awhile - protect me from seeing all of the hate, hurt, selfishness, greed and pain in the world. When I was a kid, I thought you were my superhero - in your own type of uniform - out trying to help people find God and to help one another. Now I'm an adult, but sometimes I feel like I need a superhero. I see too much evil; too much injustice; too much pain. It's realistic. I need to feel it; to see it; to have it rip open my heart. But sometimes I just want to return to that time when I was shielded from it or when I had a superhero that I knew would save people from it." I woke up crying. It was a very vivid dream.

Back from the Congo

2008-05-05T05:50:00.002-04:00

We're back from our long weekend in Lubumbashi, Congo. It was great to see my friend Rachel and catch up on life. She is doing important work making sure mining companies are working with communities for human rights and health and safety. Katanga Province is resource rich with tonnes of copper and cobalt mines, but the province has also seen a lot of exploitation and pillaging. Lubumbashi is very dusty and the roads are terrible, but Rachel's house and friends were beautiful. We relaxed so well and I took naps every day. We read, watched movies, talked, went to a pool, ate... We braved crazy downtown on Saturday afternoon so we could get our Congolese "souvenirs" (imported pasta and cheese!) My respect for Rachel really increased as we braved traffic and crowds.

Friday, Rach had to work, and we played tourist. We went to the museum and the zoo. I loved seeing all the species of monkeys and chimps at the zoo. The Bengal tigers and lions were also cool. The governor of Katanga is rich, and investing a lot of personal money in re-creating the city - including tigers from Asia! Unfortunately, on the way to the museum, I had a little encounter with the security personnel for the police general. Supposedly, I walked on their grass illegally. A few of them were in military fatigues and drunk, so I was quite nervous when they were saying I had to stay in their hut for questioning, but that John had to leave. The military in Congo is famous for rape, so I was quite scared, especially when they were pulling me inside the gate and pushing John out. Eventually I said that I couldn't leave John because he didn't understand French, and we ran away. Yikes. John was totally confused because of language, but thankfully did not allow us to be separated.

So, we had a good weekend and now we're back. We got 2 prayer requests at devotions today - for a couple who just had a still birth - for the 5th time, and then also for a pair of retired officers who had to flee their home in the south because people are being tortured for voting the wrong way in the presidential elections. The date for the run-off is yet to be announced. I wonder how many people will be harassed, tortured and intimidated before then...

Off to the Congo

2008-04-29T05:44:00.002-04:00

Saturday John ran 66kms. He just loves it. He said he got to the last 6kms before he realized that he had forgot to turn on his ipod (and yet the earphones were there the whole time!) I went to a wedding. Oddly enough, he came home looking healthier (it was an outdoor wedding on a sunny day, so I got quite dehydrated - although it WAS cool to see a giraffe walk by in the background of the ceremony). My favourite part was when the couple kissed and all of the old tetes (aunties) started screaming and cheering "one more time!" So they kissed again. We both needed to relax for the rest of the day. Sunday we went to a long retirement service. I was quite impressed with the family gifts - a trillion dollars, a car, 2 airtickets to Canada (where their daughter studies) and a stove. Some people in Zimbabwe have money! But not many...

We're going to Lubumbashi, Congo tomorrow for the long weekend. Random! My friend Rachel from university is working there, and so she invited us to come visit for the weekend. Why not? John thinks I'm crazy for having a new years' resolution of visiting 2 new countries every year, but it seems to work out... (and how cool that our unborn child will have been to 4 countries even before having eyes!)

2 years in Zim

2008-04-28T03:12:00.003-04:00

2 years ago today we arrived in Harare - full of excitement and anticipation. It's our 2 year anniversary in Zimbabwe. Some of you are thinking, "the time has flown by!" but to be honest, it hasn't for us. I still sometimes feel that we're in a giant game of "survivor" and yet life has become normal in Zimbabwe... We no longer react when the power goes off (although I still get anxious when it's for more than 12 hours). We're used to being the only white people in a huge crowd and to only understanding a third of what is going on. We're used to LONG Salvation Army services (although, I confess that after 3 hours yesterday I went home for a nap... it's my "condition") and we're sort of used to THQ and Salvation Army politics (The Salvation Army has been our biggest culture shock for sure). We're used to the morning combi rides that are mixed with reports of who died the night before and jokes about family antics - that familiar combination of Zimbabwean sorrow and joy that is daily life. We're used to food shortages - eating what we can find and not eating what is not available. We're used to being billionaires, living with hyperinflation and the prices of goods and services going up almost every single day. I'm used to nightmares and occasionally waking up crying because I've had a dream about my family, but it wasn't quite enough time to spend with them. We're used to uncertainty and the inability to plan in advance. We're used to clapping and greeting people all day. We're used to seeing miracles. We're used to giving and receiving and sharing life. We're used to relying on God for everything - daily food, health, safety on the roads, etc.

God is so good. I am thankful for these 2 years - for the many lessons learned (endurance, faith, survival, patience, joy, politics, human nature...); for the way my thinking has been challenged; for the way my heart has been stretched; for the tears I've shed and the laughter I've shared; for my Zimbabwean family and friends; for a chance to be involved in work that is meaningful (HIV/AIDS and youth leadership); for our little house; for the way John and I have become even closer and the way we are growing our family; for the way we have been supported and prayed for; for grace. Zimbabwe will always be part of us.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my beautiful, fun, passionate, compassionate, crazy and wild sister Kirsten. We love you! xo

I love the hugs; hate the hat

2008-04-23T08:44:00.002-04:00

It has sucked to not be able to tell our "big news" to our friends and family in person. I was blessed to get my parents on the phone (my mom bawled; supposedly my dad's eyebrows shot up), but for most people it's been email/blog/facebook. I'm thankful for this technology, so I can't really complain about it. It has been really amazing to tell people here about it face to face. John made me tell my boss first. Awkward! Supposedly you don't tell men this sort of thing in Zimbabwe - you just wait for them to find out. So I think he was shocked, but understood. One of my Zimbabwean mothers burst out crying. The other did a dance. I've been getting lots of hugs, lots of huge smiles, lots of "this made my day!" and lots of "finally!" It's good to feel like you're part of a family.

In other news, our Chief (2nd in command of The Salvation Army in Zimbabwe) left today - to be stationed in Liberia. A few days ago we got the message, "a few people will go to the airport" to see him off, but this morning the message was different - "all of THQ will go to the airport and all of you must be in full uniform." So everyone had to go home first and put on the full outfit. The rationale behind the uniform was that when in battle, you need to have your full battle gear on. I tried looking around the airport for the battle, but I didn't quite see it. Anyway, if I had, I would have been totally prepared in my skirt, suit jacket, fancy shoes and hat. I got away with not wearing a hat for 2 years, but a new sheriff is in town. They don't actually sell hats at trade, but a friend let me borrow hers. It is way too small, but if I don't move at all it rests gently on top of my head. I look absolutely ridiculous, and yet so ready for battle! Did I tell you that I'm having nightmares about protocol (literally...)?

Some answers

2008-04-22T09:57:00.003-04:00

Happy Earth Day! They say it's the one thing that might unite all human beings - the fact that we all share this planet.

Thanks for all the congratulatory messages! To answer a few of your questions... yes, I'm being serious about pregnant (don't tell me I have a reputation for lying/exaggerating/playing make believe!) Yes, we're planning on having this baby in Zimbabwe, but the country's future is so uncertain that we can't say anything for sure. Yes, I'm feeling ok - although I've gone from athlete to couch potato quite quickly! Yes, I will be home soon enough for the baby to get a good West Indian upbringing (thanks for the concern Rhonda!) Cravings? Well, I'm craving Kraft Dinner like crazy. I can't necessarily blame that on the baby, but if any well-wishers want to send fake food to Zim, just let me know and I can give you our address. :) I had been craving a Licks burger, and my wonderful husband took me to get a burger at Spur today. Unlike last time we went there, they actually had beef, which was beautiful. We got two with fries and drinks for less than a billion bucks - what a steal!

BIG NEWS!

2008-04-21T03:01:00.003-04:00

No, it's not that we have $50million notes now (although that's true). No, it's not that it's my mother-in-law's birthday (although that's true, and we're happy for her). No, it's not that we had electricity ALL weekend (although that's true), nor that we had beef and chicken at a Salvation Army event yesterday (also true).

Our big news is that WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're going to have a little Zimbabwean baby in November! It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time and a true miracle. We've already seen the little one on an ultrasound and of course I burst out crying when I saw the little heartbeat. What an amazing thing to have a little, growing LIFE inside of you! God is good. Generally I'm tired and queasy most of the time, but feeling healthy too. John is very excited (especially about the fact that his child has already run a half marathon!) and is researching every little thing about what to do and what not to do (although I have to admit that the recommended diets are quite laughable from our standpoint of food shortages in Zimbabwe!) We bought lots of powdered milk in South Africa, and I'm on multivitamins so I'm sure all will be well - but you can continue to pray for our health and safety!

Cool, eh? We're going to be parents!

Independence and Trojan

2008-04-18T13:48:00.003-04:00

Happy Independence Day! 28 years of freedom... although many in this country are asking, "freedom for who?" and "is this really freedom?" Celebrations went on as usual with the President addressing the nation and rallying the troops. The presidential election of 3 weeks ago is simply not mentioned - because the wrong person won... or so we heard "unofficially." We heard last night that they found a shipment of arms from China waiting to be delivered to Zim from South Africa. That can't be a good sign... BUT WE'RE SAFE!

We just got back from a few days in Trojan mine, Bindura. It was a good experience, and our hosts were amazing, but I have to admit that I'm glad to be back to our bed and our toilet (I'm used to the squatting, but still have this fear that I'm going to pee on my shoes in the Blair toilet!) Trojan is a huge nickel dime, and we were there with the ZSYL. It's inspiring to be with these emerging leaders, and to read their thoughts (I mark all their assignments) and participate in their journey. They're an amazing group. I found out that one of our students (Itai - meaning "do it") has the middle name Anywhere. Do it anywhere - a new favourite Zimbabwean name.

So many students this year are double-orphans - caring for younger siblings and working full-time. Their commitment and courage humble me. One student was sharing his story about being the child of a second wife, but being raised by the first when his mother was chased from the village. Another one was asking for prayer because his 4 older brothers have died, and at the latest funeral the "prophets" were all saying that he would be next. I talked to his pastor about it, and he said the brothers all died of "this disease" (people are still reluctant to name HIV/AIDS). He said that Obrain (our student; pronounced Obrian - maybe the parents just got the spelling wrong...) is under a lot of pressure to go "take care" of his brother's family. This "taking care" is traditional, and also involves having sex with his late brother's wife. If he does, he will get infected and he WILL be the next to go. It's all kind of scary! And it reminds me once again of the many, many challenges people in this country are facing, and the many, many reasons I admire Zimbabweans. If you pray, please pray for the students of the Zimbabwe School of Youth Leadership - and for Zimbabwe in general.

Leadership, guitar serenades and cheerios

2008-04-14T08:24:00.003-04:00

Today the Zimbabwe School of Youth Leadership 2008 met to head to Bindura for a week. We're going to meet them tomorrow after a board meeting. Before they left Harare, they were given a speech about leadership where the main point was that you can tell a lot about a leader by the way they dress; by the way they style their hair. And here I thought I could be a good leader... with my bad hair life, I'm doomed! John and I have to wear Salvation Army uniform to work every day now. Maybe this new look will help us look more like leaders...

The other night I was just frustrated; up to my ears in protocol. I went to go visit a friend, and she wasn't home. On the way back I watched some young guys playing soccer (football). It was good for my soul to watch these young guys - not worrying about the 80% unemployment rate, not worrying about the low life expectancy (37 for men), not worrying about the potential crisis in the country. Just laughing and playing soccer in barefeet. Then just as I was on the path home, I ran into a guy with a guitar (quite a rare sight here). He asked me if he could sing me a song and then sang a very out-of-tune "let it be." It made my day.

Friday night we took some friends out for dinner. We went to a Thai restaurant, but our friends ordered chicken and chips. We knew this would happen. Zimbabweans don't seem to like a lot of variety. If you're home - sadza, green vegetables and beef (if you can afford the beef). If you're out, or it's a special occasion - chicken and rice/chips. I had pad thai with chopsticks and our friends were absolutely fascinated. I guess having the same thing all the time gives some comfort in an uncertain environment. Same songs at church. Same food every day. Same uniform for everyone. I'm still young enough to desire change, difference, diversity, different strokes for different folks. But I also understand how scary change can be for others. And to be honest, if I could, I would have the same breakfast every day (cheerios with 2% milk, tropicana orange juice and a toasted bagel with butter or cream cheese). However, none of those items are available in Harare...

Half-full or Half-empty?

2008-04-09T11:29:00.003-04:00

Bad news: Trousers have been outlawed from my workplace (for women that is...) In this country, a woman in trousers is rumoured to be involved in prostitution.
Good news: I was the only woman who wore trousers anyway, so it's not a big deal. I have lots of skirts, and I'm a hearty Canadian who can surely stand up to winter without leg cover!

Bad news: We missed milk by 10 minutes yesterday in the shops.
Good news: An envelope full to the brim of Lindor Easter eggs arrived in the mail (thanks Mom & Dad). I guess they're not quite as healthy, but oh so delicious.

Bad news: Our server is down at work, so we haven't been able to use the internet.
Good news: I got a lot of work done today, and the power came on just in time for us to get home today.

Is reverse racism ok?

2008-04-08T03:50:00.002-04:00

It's something I've spent a lot of time thinking about... is reverse racism ever ok? I live in a country which sanctions racism against whites. Oh sure, there must be some parents that tell their kids they should love all people, and there are many, many, many people who are kind and loving regardless of race. But all messages from the state media and even from schools seem to indicate that it's ok to hate - as long as you're hating the race that first hated you. I've been in so many conversations about how horrible the whites are or were. Maybe people didn't think I could understand, or maybe they didn't care if I could. I always dismiss it in my head, knowing that a lot of people have had bad experiences with individual white people in the past. My Canadian education tells me you're not allowed to make a jump from "Sally was really rude to me" to "all whites are rude" but that's not part of the education system here. I know I have white privilege. I'm convinced that a lot of white people did a lot of horrible things. I excuse attitudes that are racist against whites. But IS reverse racism ok?

Right now the state media is reporting that whites are flocking back into the country, and going back to farms to try to take back their land. It's hard to know how many people are believing this, but it makes a great excuse to take action if you do. Of course, most of these farms were seized already - back in 2000 - by "war veterans" (many of them too young to have actually been in the war of independence) who were given the ok by government to take back the land. Some white farms are left, and now there are reports of war veterans going to take them over - to take sovereignty once and for all. Most of these white farmers are Zimbabwean, African - born and bred here, but they're portrayed as foreigners, the enemy, the oppressors. Although the white farmers arguably did a lot for Zimbabwean agricultural production and the economy, I'm sure they also benefited personally. So they had to pay for that, right? To the real Zimbabweans? ZANU's slogan was "our land, our people" so it's quite a clever ploy to try to convince people that now that there are rumours of an MDC win (presidential results are still not announced), the whites are coming back into re-colonize. Even the West's promises of foreign aid for a new government are being cited as proof that the West has rigged these election results (which again, haven't even been announced).

I'm writing this post as a person who has also spewed a lot of reverse racism and felt a lot of anger towards people of her own race. I'm still trying to figure things out. I've been continually amazed at how living in Zimbabwe has challenged my views, my politics and my thinking. The older I get, the less I think I know. But I do know for sure that nothing is just black and white.

Birthdays

2008-04-07T03:00:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday to my brother Josh! Josh is the last born in our family, and 6 years younger than me. I have clear memories of him being born and being an adorable (yet stubborn) little kid. Lots of memories... family plays, Josh always asking me to race him - sure that he could beat me even though my legs were twice as long, bowties, lots of laughs, tantrums on mini-golf courses, heart-to-hearts, having a bad day and Josh coming to comfort me with a heart on a key chain, New Years... Josh is a good brother, a talented singer/song-writer, a kind, gentle-spirited person, and totally hilarious. I love you, Joshua - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It was Lionel's birthday on Friday. He turned 54. Lionel is a white guy, very thin, a chain-smoker who has lived at the men's shelter on our compound for 20 years. He has some serious psychological problems, and says inappropriate things, so most people don't like to talk to him. Lionel participated on the wrong side of the liberation war, and he was really traumatized by his experience (although it also seems that they were his "glory days.") I've talked to him many times, and he just seems so sad; so alone in this world. All he has to live for is his 80 year old father. I hadn't talked to Lionel in months because every time I tried, he walked away/ignored me. Friday I saw him sitting in the corridor of the shelter, and remembered that it was his birthday. I went home, wrote a card, and put together a parcel (bread, chocolate, soap, etc.) Then I went over to him and wished him a Happy Birthday. He got very teary and just kept repeating, "I can't believe you remembered." He explained that his medication has been unavailable for months, so he's been going through tough times. He explained that he believes in Jesus, but it's the devil who is always near him; always talking to him. I prayed with him, made him laugh a bit, and just treated him like a human being. It was a beautiful moment. There's a lot of power in just remembering someone.

Miracles and cockroaches

2008-04-06T09:47:00.003-04:00

John's away for the weekend - in Bulawayo for some strategic planning and the farewell of the Chief Secretary from the southern region. I find it cute and kind that people worry about what I will eat when my gourmet chef is not around. I always manage (although last night I had to cook my rice twice - and for about an hour and a half - but it didn't burn!) No matter how many times I watch John cook certain dishes, I simply cannot replicate. I have a theory that when I turn my back for one minute (which I always have to when cutting vegetables.... hmmmm, suspicious!) he does some sort of secret trick. But he argues this isn't true. Anyway, no reason to fear. Today, I cooked myself a lovely lunch of a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Now, some of you may be thinking that this doesn't actually involve cooking, but I didn't tell you that this sandwich was TOASTED! Actually, as I put my bread in the toaster, I felt like I was witnessing a tiny miracle! It's been a long time since we could get bread in the shops (because of government-regulated prices, which aren't high enough for bakeries to actually buy the supplies needed to bake the bread). We didn't even get this bread in the shops. It was obtained a typically Zimbabwean way (a mysterious phone caller with the message: "we've procured some loaves of bread - come with your money tomorrow and you'll receive further instruction.") Anyway, I was thanking God for the bread and the electricity to toast it, when 2 cockroaches crawled out of the top of the toaster from where my bread had just been inserted. It just seemed gross, but I quickly pulled myself together. I realized that sometimes in order to see the miracles in life, you have to ignore the cockroaches!

Self-silencing

2008-04-03T06:07:00.004-04:00

Self-silencing sucks. I've always been the type of person to speak my mind - in a respectful way. I'm good at listening, and the older I get, the more I listen and the less I talk, but I still feel the need to speak out when I see things that I feel are wrong. This is made very difficult in the context I live in. I live in a context where it can be very dangerous to speak out against anything! We've been told clearly - directly and indirectly - never to question, never to criticize and never to say anything even mildly political. Of course this is not just us. A whole generation has grown up under this. When I mark ZSYL assignments, my biggest challenge is to get students to say what they really think or believe. People have been taught that it's dangerous to have an opinion without first checking if it is THE correct opinion.

This morning I was asked to pray for the country in these uncertain times (waiting for election results) and I felt myself self-censoring everything I was saying. It was frustrating because I was PRAYING - speaking to God, and yet doing it in public, so I had to be careful. I have to be careful in board meetings. I have to be careful when talking with almost everyone. I have to be careful in emails and on the phone. It's easy to get a head-ache just trying to keep quiet. I remember when I met up with my friend Kathy in Uganda and I just talked and talked for hours straight. Because there was so much I needed to let out!

My friend was telling me that her daughter has been listening to the radio/t.v. and is now going around her house saying, "chenja, chenja." This is cute, and yet part of me was alarmed when I heard this. Could this small girl get in trouble by the Central Intelligence Organization for merely saying the word "change"? A simple slip-up like that has serious consequences for adults. Could it for children as well? It's easy to be paranoid and to feel strangled - by self.

Earth Hour

2008-04-02T05:53:00.002-04:00

So, I was reading a bit about "Earth Hour" and realizing that Zimbabwe is really progressive in this sense. From what I can see, the whole idea is for people to turn off their lights/electricity for one hour to reduce the global footprint. Great idea, but look at what ZIM is doing - they turn off the lights EVERY day for SEVERAL hours. Talk about reducing the footprint. Of course, there are certain issues like everyone cooking on firewood and burning garbage. I've heard those aren't GREAT for the environment, but still... Some say we're going back to the darkages (literally?) in this country, but maybe we're just being really celebratory of Earth Hour...

Still no definitive results on elections. They're telling everyone to stay calm.

An unexpected visitor, safe cheese and yummy mail

2008-04-01T06:06:00.002-04:00

Still no definitive news on elections... we're still waiting.

Last night we got a knock on our door. I was in the washroom, but John called out, "do you know a white guy named Joel?" I secretly hoped it was my brother as a surprise, but it was just a stranded Canadian doctor awaiting a ride to go volunteer at Howard. He stayed the night, and it gave us an excellent excuse to skip our 5am run this morning. We ate omelettes instead.

We got our luggage back with the expensive cheese intact (God is good), but unfortunately our cellphone was taken from the bags. We thought our housekeys were also taken (we have no way of opening our front door!) but Stacey just let us know that those are at their house in SA. It sucks to lose your cellphone and all of those numbers. I'm trying to let it go. I have a family heritage of not being so good at "letting it go."

Shout out to Mom & Dad McAlister for the package full of gels for my race (mail's taking a bit longer than usual), chocolate peanut butter cups and other goodies, Uncle Brian & Jennifer for the package full of alfredo sauces, candies and other goodies, my friend Carie for the "just add water" meal of pasta, chocolate chip cookies and muffins, and our friend Elizabeth for the double chocolate fudge brownies. Mmmmm. Mail is yummy. We had a bit of a "drought" period for mail, and then yesterday it rained and poured all at once. God is good!

Back and waiting

2008-03-31T09:58:00.003-04:00

Namibia was great. It was our first desert experience, but we also marveled at the great variety in landscapes - mountains, ocean, desert - all within minutes! We went sandboarding (like tobaganning, except on sand - fun except for the sandburns!), we rode camels (John refused to wear the bedouin headcovering), we searched for the "little 5" in the desert (snakes, beetles, chameleons, etc.), we drove in and around the sand dunes, we went on a dolphin & seal cruise (and saw cool pelicans), we had long, romantic walks on the beach (and stayed at the Seagull B&B - right on the water), and we ate a LOT of food (fresh prawns - heavenly...) It sucked to miss skydiving (maybe our mothers prayed too hard about this?) and the great dunes of Soussusvlei - but that just means we'll have to go back sometime. John says Namibia is his favourite place in Africa. Mine's still Rwanda.

We're back in Harare (and we heard our luggage might come today - hopefully the cheese that we packed to specially is not totally wasted!!!). We are of course awaiting election results. Everyone is on tenderhooks - attached to their t.v.s and radios, awaiting news. The town is quite quiet - I'd say like a funeral except that funerals here aren't that quiet. I think everyone is just... waiting. The state media is playing African movies, old sports matches and cartoons, there are lots of rumours; we're hearing things from South Africa and the internet and tonnes of speculative text messages are going around. We wait and see. Things are generally calm, although there are rumours of "incidents." We'll wait and see.

New beginnings

2008-03-29T07:05:00.002-04:00

A brief blog from the airport in Windhoek, Namibia (details on our trip to follow....)

* One of my closest friends Anita just had a baby boy - Wesley - CONGRATULATIONS Bram & Anita! I am so excited to be an auntie, and actually wish I were in Drumheller, Alberta rather than Namibia at this moment...

* Elections are happening in Zimbabwe today. Please pray hard for this. We'll be back in Harare tomorrow to check things out.

* It's been an awesome holiday except that we had to miss skydiving (boo!) An unfortunate combination of bad weather and plane servicing made us miss each day we were signed up. Oh well, it's just an item on the "bucket list" (we just saw that movie) that will have to wait.

Cape Town was awesome!

2008-03-24T02:03:00.003-04:00

Greetings from Joburg! We arrived at Stacey & Buhle's last night after grabbing McDonalds and staying up til 1:30am chatting. Life is good. We had an AWESOME time in Cape Town. It is the most gorgeous city and I totally recommend going there. (OK, fine, I admit that we did have a few "why do we live in Harare when we could live in Cape Town?" moments...) It will do your heart good to see the beaches, the oceans, the mountains, the food in the grocery stores... (I only had a minor meltdown - it's just so unfair to see so many TYPES of cheese, milk, bread, chocolate, meat, etc. never mind just having the items, but we loaded our suitcases as usual).

We ran our Two Oceans race on Saturday. I was petrified the night before and didn't sleep, but as soon as I started the half, I LOVED it. It was the best run I've ever had, and the whole time I kept thinking, "am I going to crash? this is way too easy!" (shout out to people who prayed for me - I felt God's grace!) It was just so exciting and I felt like a real runner. Usually I bribe myself to take extra walk brakes on a run, but on the race I had to convince myself to take them (even on the hills!) I think I was just full of adrenaline. I did it in under 2.5 hours, and just had an amazing experience. Of course John also did fabulously on the 56kms. It was so exciting to both be at the finish line. As John says, "a couple that runs together stays together!" (is this brainwashing?) I thought I might retire after my first race, but I can't - it was too fun.

We had such a good time with Merrilou, Gerard and their fun kids - Jeremy and Emily. They treat us like family, spoil us with amazing meals, and wait in the sun for hours to cheer us on at the race. They even took us to Boulders Beach where we got to hang out with penguins. Cool! We love spending time with good friends.

Easter was special as usual. I always watch "The Passion of the Christ" and it really moves me. I know some people were against the film when it came out (too violent), but I find it profoundly moving. One thing that always gets me is the agony of Mary in watching her son be tortured, misunderstood and crucified. This year it really reminded me of all the mothers in Zim who are watching their children die agonizing deaths from AIDS or starvation. At our Good Friday service it sort of hit me that I live in a country where people don't have to try to identify with the suffering Christ - they do it every day - in the constant funerals, the physical and emotional pain of searching for food, the fear of what could happen if you say that wrong thing to the wrong person, the uncertainty of life, the total trust that God has a plan even when you can't quite see it... Anyway, happy belated Easter! We're off to Namibia, so more later...

3 matters arising

2008-03-19T04:16:00.002-04:00

3 matters arising (pardon me, I'm on too many boards at THQ...)

1. We're going away! This afternoon we're flying to Cape Town, South Africa. We're staying with our good friends Merrilou and Gerrard for the Easter holiday. Saturday we're running the Two Oceans marathon (with John doing the ultra - 56km and me doing the half - 21km). You can pray for us - this is my first race as an adult... Then Sunday night we visit our good friends Stacey and Buhle in Joburg and Monday we fly to Namibia. We're spending a week's holiday in Windhoek and Swakopmund. We have a night in Joburg on the way back and then we'll be back in Harare on the 30th - the day after elections. So, if you don't hear from us - know that we're having fun!

2. New photos are up on our flickr site if you want to check them out.

3. HAPPY EASTER! Easter is always really special for me. There's the long lenten period of reflection, sacrifice, denial, meditation. The agonizing Good Friday where I always admit with guilt that I probably would have been a betrayer/denier of Jesus, and feel so humbled and thankful that Jesus - my hero and the one I serve and want to be like - died to forgive me. And then glorious Easter Sunday morning where we celebrate the fact that Jesus was victorious over the grave and is still alive today. It's an awesome holiday. In post-modern Canada it's highly unfashionable to speak about Jesus, but you have to admit there's something quite amazing about the Easter story and the freedom it brings.

Communication fun

2008-03-18T01:49:00.004-04:00

Our new friend Elizabeth arrived in Zimbabwe last Monday. She is a Salvation Army officer from Australia and she is working with us here at THQ. It has been interesting to journey with her this week, and see Zimbabwe, The Salvation Army, our neighbourhood and our workplace with her "new" eyes. I've especially re-noticed the pace of work here. I had great expectations when I came in terms of what I could get done in a day, and that slowly but surely diminished. Because making a phone call or printing a letter or photocopying a document are not easy tasks in Zimbabwe.

I had to laugh to myself (but not in a mean way) when someone was trying to teach Elizabeth the morning greetings - "mamuka sei?" (which means "did you wake well?") She was repeating back, "mamuka" and the ladies would say, "mamuka SEI, mamuka SEI." But sei is prounounced like "say" so Elizabeth must have thought they kept repeating "SAY mamuka" which she was... Ah, communication is fun. This reminded me of when I organized a trip for exchange students from Thailand. One of the girls was named "Hai." She had a hard time introducing herself to her host family because they said, "hi, what's your name?" and she responded "Hai." A little slower and louder, "hi, good to meet you but what's your name?" "Hai." "Hi. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" I had to watch from a distance for a while and then eventually intervene and explain that the girl's name was Hai and she actually spoke English quite well - no need to yell! Or there was the time my mom and I went canvassing for Salvation Army. We were at a Chinese family's door requesting funds. The lady said to us, "Will you come in?" which we thought was quite kind - much better than a door slam or "sorry." She repeated "Will you come in?" so I made for the door and then she yelled, "WILL YOU COME IN?" It turns out their dog was named "Will Yu." :)

Flooding and relief

2008-03-17T01:53:00.003-04:00

Friday was John's birthday. Unfortunately, I missed most of it, but thankfully we celebrated Thursday night. We totally splurged by taking 2 friends out to the best restaurant in Harare - "Amanzi." Our "wallets" (as if we could use wallets in Zim!) are $3billion lighter, but it was an amazing meal - even according to John (who is a bit of a food snob!) I must admit that I never pictured myself a billionaire by the age of 30. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHN!!

Friday I left Harare at 5am with a team from THQ. We were going to Muzarabani to distribute food relief. On the way we stopped at The Salvation Army's Howard hospital. We went to a few of the wards to pray for patients. It broke my heart to see the over-crowding in the women's wards and so many women lying on mats on the floor. I cried. A few hours later we arrived in Mt. Darwin for breakfast (it's one of the nice things about traveling with important people - you get food served to you everywhere you go!) We had bread for breakfast, which was nice since it's scarce these days (people at the Association of Bakers have been imprisoned again for trying to sell flour at a fair price). Mt. Darwin is a ZANU stronghold, and they were having a political rally that day. We saw a lot of people wearing t-shirts and dresses with the President's face printed on them. Elections are less than 2 weeks away, so campaigning is going strong. We always hear the 3 helicopters overhead - one for the President and 2 for his bodyguards (is 3 helicopters in a country starved for fuel an unfair campaign advantage?)

After breakfast we made our way through the mountains and into the lower Zambezi valley to Muzarabani. The scenery was amazing, but I don't have photos because I was squashed in the middle of two large women in the backseat, and that did not allow for grabbing my camera (some of it reminded me of the island from LOST though...) Muzarabani was flooded from heavy rains in January. 27 people died, as well as almost all livestock and crops. People have been resettled temporarily at an old farm. The Salvation Army was donating mealie meal, sugar, cooking oil and kapenta (dried fish) to the people. The local authorities had a list of residents and ensured that the food was given out fairly by the Salvation Army volunteers. We all gathered under a tree (the area is very hot) for speeches, food distribution and a drama from the residents about the flooding. The people were so happy to receive the food. They started singing and dancing, waving the kapenta and cooking oil over their heads. As for myself, I was a big source of entertainment for the kids. The brave ones shook my hand and then stared at their own hands afterwards (to make sure non of the white had rubbed off).

One lady told us that she finds it hard to even drink water now, because it reminds her of how she lost everything; she she's had to start her whole life from scratch. Last night, John and I sat in our warm, dry, candle-lit house listening to the thunderstorm outside and discussing rumours we'd heard about a cyclone coming. And I imagined the fear and helplessness of being flooded and watching my life wash away. Let's continue to pray for people affected by natural and man-made disasters.

Birthday Bash

2008-03-13T03:07:00.004-04:00

Last night I had my 30th birthday party. It was awesome. John planned it, and it was just as I had dreamed. He cooked up a beautiful meal that totally impressed me. Of course he's my favourite chef, but he amazes me here because Zimbabwe is still "food-challenged" (so politically correct!), and yet he comes up with these beautiful, colourful, healthy, tasty treats. And we had an impressive guest list. It was a family affair, so my Zimbabwean mother (Amai Pamacheche) and sister (Crystal) came, as well as my grandmother (Gogo). My other mother (Alice) was sick, so we went to her house at the end to cut and share the cake. Her husband (Mac) came, as well as John's mother (Amai Mhasvi) and our new friend Elizabeth from Australia. The crowd was random, and not your typical "joining the 30s" bash, but it was so fun and I loved it. The power even came on at the end of dinner so we could see the beautifully made cake. Fine, I confess, I ate some leftover icing for breakfast. I know that's gross... sorry. I got some great gifts too - some toilet paper, soap and bananas. God is good. The party was very... us. We love mixing with different people and bringing people together who would not normally come together. Most people in the world generally only hang out with people that are just like them - in terms of age or interest or religion or culture or even looks. But when you do that, you really miss out! And of course the good food. Ever since I've been married I've had this suspicion that people only want to come to my birthday parties because John will be cooking... It was an awesome birthday. I was serenaded by my husband, my grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law and my mom and her conference group in Washington. I got touching emails from family and friends and a some touching cards and greetings from friends here. The 30s are looking alright... :)

30

2008-03-11T01:47:00.003-04:00

I am 30! I have hit the big 3-0. I can't believe it. I am unbelievably thankful for my life, and God's grace through every day of it. I had a bit of a panic a few weeks ago when I thought about being 30. 30 is so grown up. Am I grown up enough to be 30? I don't have any kids, I don't have a career or a real salary, I don't own a car or house or any property (except for a lot of books!)... but then I started to think about my life, and realized that I'm right where I want to be. I have an awesome marriage, I'm living out the biggest dream of my life (living in Africa and sharing joys and sorrows with people here), I have amazing family and friendships, I have traveled to over 20 countries (places as different as northern Uganda and Chechnya, Tokyo and Rome). I have had some amazing life experience and met some incredible people.

I must admit that the twenties were good though. I met John when I was 20. The first time I saw him at band practice I thought he was so handsome. It's been an awesome decade of falling in love, getting married (happiest day of my life) and then just sharing our life together. I also first came to Africa when I was 20. Of course I had dreamed of Africa and fallen in love with it before that, but 20 is when I first set my feet on African soil. I volunteered in Soweto for 3 months, came back at 22 to volunteer at Mountainview Hospital in KwaZulu Natal for 2 months, and then at 28 moved to Zimbabwe. I know a part of my mind and heart will always be in this continent. Some of the closest people in my life I met in my twenties. I sang with UTGC and first went to Regent Park and 614 in my twenties. The twenties were great. And now we'll see what the thirties have in store...

Conversations in the south

2008-03-10T01:33:00.003-04:00

John had a busy weekend running, doing strategic planning in Mt. Darwin and then attending a long welcome service for the new T.C. Again, it's amazing that people can come up with billions for gifts when there is so much economic hardship! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Robinhood-backwards movie. I spent the weekend in the south of the country, and it was great. Bulawayo has such a different feel than Harare - more relaxed and free. To be honest, I like Zimbabwe a lot, but I could take or leave Harare (although there is a pizza place - I can't knock St. Elmo's). We have a new neighbour moving here from Australia today. I wonder what she'll think... Anyway, I went down south to meet with some potential donors who are interested in The Salvation Army's HIV/AIDS response and Masiye Camp in particular. Masiye is doing *awesome* work and it's set in the beautiful Matopos. If you have not yet been, consider it. Check 'em out - www.masiye.com

The weekend was also full of very interesting conversations. I'm a social worker, and I like to listen to people's stories, so I was treated to a feast of them. There were lots of thought-provoking conversations about aid/donors, corruption, the temptation to steal money or food, etc. I had a fascinating conversation about politics with 2 grade 7 boys as we dipped our feet in the cool water of the dam. There was a conversation with a man who told me about how he used to be a poacher in the national parks - having struck up a business deal with a police officer (who was supposed to be the one safeguarding the park!s) He says elephant is quite good, and lasts a long time because of its size. He seemed like a good guy, but poaching???... There was this other conversation with two women who are self-acclaimed "SRB" (strong rural background) who gave me detailed information on how best to kill various animals - and precautions to take if you're doing this while heavily pregnant (I guess this information could be useful in future?!?) There were conversations about the liberation struggle and the terror people went through. There were conversations about the farm invasions and land reform. There was a conversation with a Zimbabwean man who went to a small town in Kentucky for school and how he found the adjustment. One lady poured out her heart to me about how her husband cheated on her and left her. She works for a church, and the church has since called off all benefits (such as paying for school fees for her 2 kids) and taken away her pastor's status. Doesn't seem very Christ-like to me... And then there were the two kids who were having a blast trying out every English word they knew on me and laughing like crazy when I would respond in Shona. I love people - and getting a glimpse into their world.

Today is my last day in my twenties. I can't believe it...

Half-marathons and women

2008-03-07T10:03:00.003-05:00

Ohmygosh I just looked at the route map for my first half-marathon which I'm going to be running in 2 weeks in CapeTown. Yikes! I'm flipping out. Keep in mind that this is not John-McAlister-insane-runner-who-can-do-anything-a-marathon-is-an-easy-jog typing. This is me - Rochelle McAlister, who only got chosen for sports teams in school because I'm good at making friends, not because I have an ounce of athlete in me. Rochelle McAlister - who used to only run to try to catch the bus! Yesterday we ran 10km in the morning as the sun was coming up and then 12km after work as the sun was coming down. And it was hard. But that wasn't even including hills and involved quite a work-day-long break in the middle. What am I doing??!!??

Happy Women's Day for tomorrow. A big shout out to all of the brave, courageous, faithful, endlessly hopeful women in Zimbabwe and other parts of the world. I am so thankful for the way Zimbabwean women are teaching me to be a better person. Another shout out to the many other women in my life who I love a lot and who have have had a big impact on my life. Sisters, I'm proud to be one of you!

Birthdays and Blessings

2008-03-06T01:49:00.003-05:00

Most people don't acknowledge their birthdays here, maybe because there's no money for gifts or special meals. I visit with a dear, lonely old lady who lives near my workplace. Almost all of her family members and friends have passed on and she is ready to go too. I visit with her, ask her about her life and try to make her laugh. Last time I went to her apartment she told me she had just celebrated her 85th birthday - and had had a birthday party for the first time in her life! Never too late... This week we took out some friends to this lovely lunch place where you eat in the garden. They had both been too preoccupied with funerals to celebrate their birthdays, and they were so happy to have the chance! It's a popular hang-out for people from the embassies, and as we were walking out, we ran into one of their friends, "oh, you are big people now - walking out of a place like that!"

I'm reading Miroslav Volf's book "Free of charge." He's my favourite theologian. OK, he's probably the only theologian I read... :) His book is all about giving and forgiving. I'm finished the giving section, which is full of basic and yet profound thoughts - God is a Giver by nature and everything we have and are is from God - our breath, our lives, our children, our food, our health, etc. God loves to bless us and give to us and see us enjoy the blessings. Volf argues that we can't really give anything to God because everything is from God in the first place. But we can be channels of blessing. We can enjoy blessings and then pass them on. He quoted Genesis 12:1-3 where God blessed Abraham so that he can be a blessing to others. It reminds me of a quote I had in my locker at school for years - the more love you give away, the more you'll have. I've spent hours and weeks and months wondering about the inequities in the world; wondering why obesity reigns in certain countries while starvation does in others; wondering why God seems to bless some people so much more than others. The only answers I've come up with are: a) inexplicable grace and b) we are all supposed to share and be channels of blessing. I have been loved every single day of my life. I am thankful for this, and wish everyone has had this experience. I could either feel guilty about this or else enjoy this love and share it with others. The latter is much more enjoyable; trust me. I thought I was close to being poor growing up, but I really wasn't and the older I get the more privileged I realize I have been. So, I can be a channel of blessing (even with my current pathetic salary!) So can you.

Teeth, sex appeal and 3 way translation

2008-03-04T03:20:00.004-05:00

I've had braces on my teeth 3 times. The first time, I got them from our family dentist. He was taking orthodontics at night school and so said he would give my family a really good deal on braces because he was just learning. When the braces came off, my teeth were straight, he was happy, and there was no follow up. So they went crooked again. A few years later, we were trying to decide if I should get braces again. We consulted my grandfather who asked me to smile for him. I did and he responded, "well no one's going to marry her with teeth like that." Then he gave his Papa chuckle (I miss him...) and it was settled. I got new braces. Later, when we moved back to Toronto from Montreal, I got a new orthodontist, who said that he could not work with the Quebecois braces I had, and so those had to be stripped off to give me good Ontario braces (the English can be so bourgeois!) Anyway, I was thinking about this story about my Papa because yesterday we had a situation with our daughter.

We adopted a cadet - Esther - and she is a very sweet, kind, compassionate girl. She complained of a tooth-ache, so we gave her some money to go to the dentist. The tooth was extracted and there was more bad news - 7 more teeth need to be pulled. Cadets (people training to be Salvation Army pastors) in Zimbabwe receive no medical coverage, so basically you can get treatment if you have money. 7 more teeth seems a bit drastic (and trust me, I felt guilty for bringing cookies AND candy to parent visitation day!) so I asked one of the teacher-officers if there was any other option. "Well, yes, she could get them filled, but it's $120 million per tooth and that's too much." We're looking at about $50US. Obviously we do not want our (as yet unmarried!) daughter to lose all of her teeth, but kids are expensive when you make $2US/month! Anyone want to help?

Not having medical insurance/coverage is just horrible. It gives you a pit in the stomach. Of course I've been spoiled as a Canadian in this respect. It's just a horrible feeling knowing that you need treatment and wondering how on earth you're going to come up with the money. Actually, this reminds me of another story of when I was working with immigrants and refugees in Toronto. One day an elderly Turkish woman in the level 2 English class fell and landed on her middle finger. The finger was at a 90 degree angle backwards. She wasn't in pain, but it looked awful. She was also brand new to the class, so could only greet people in English. Thankfully there was another man in the level 4 class who was Turkish but spoke French. The 3 of us went to the nearby hospital. After waiting around emergency, we ran into a kind, young doctor in the hallway. It was a 3 way translation - he talked to me in English, I talked to George in French and George talked to the elderly woman in Turkish - and then back the other way. As you can imagine, simple question and answer took a while. The lady (I'm forgetting her name... too many Zimbabwean names in my head!) did not have medical insurance because she was so new to the country. The doctor looked left and right and said to me, "if you want, I can probably just pop it back into place right here. It will hurt, but I could do it and not tell anyone." I translated to George, and he translated to the lady (but I learned after that he left out the part about the pain!) So the doctor grabbed the woman's hand, pushed really hard, and bam - back in place. No medical insurance required!

Monday already?

2008-03-03T02:54:00.004-05:00

Monday morning already? The weekend flew by. Friday evening on the way home from work we heard about the tragic case of a five year old girl from our church being killed in a car accident. She had accompanied the family maid to the store to buy bread. They were walking and holding hands when the girl forced herself free and ran into traffic. It's so sad! Here, children are buried even faster than adults, so by the time we got to the church, the service was already ending. There was a lot of weeping - obviously. For stress relief, we decided to go for a run. I don't like running in the evenings as much as the mornings. The ratio of drunk/offensive men out on the streets is much higher at 5pm than 5am - at least in our neighbourhood.

Saturday John spent the day in Karoi with a team of people doing strategic planning for The Salvation Army. They left at 6am and didn't arrive home til about 8pm. I was supposed to go to a wedding in town, but I didn't feel like going into the city centre by myself and to a wedding dateless. (A friend told me later that day that she saw police beating people on their way to church that day - they were suspected of being supporters of the opposition party). Anyway, I had the day and the house to myself so I did laundry, made some nice pasta, read Time magazine (fascinating controversy over Oscar Pistorius, eh?), visited friends and spent 7 hours watching t.v. This is not typically Rochelle. I did have some moments where I was like, "maybe I should read Dostoevsky or start learning Mandarin or something." But nope. I just watched 24. There's something to the whole "day of rest" idea of God's. Besides, I had to take advantage of having electricity ALL DAY on Saturday. Upcoming elections have some advantages!

Yesterday we travelled to KweKwe for the installation of our new Territorial Commander (big boss of Salvation Army in Zimbabwe & Botswana). It was a five hour service which seemed much longer because we were sitting on these little, tiny chairs (you know, the kind that kindergarten and grade 1 children use...) But the music was good, and I got to sit with my friend Kim and another Captain who are hilarious - so it helped pass the time. The territory gave the new T.C. many gifts, which is "cultural" but always amazes me seeing as my HIV/AIDS budget is constantly at $0 because we have no money.... Priorities, I guess. And now it's Monday morning, and we have another welcome for the T.C. in a few moments. Have a great day!

Living Positively

2008-02-28T02:51:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I travelled to Mazowe Highschool to present a prize to a student who won first prize in our "Fighting HIV/AIDS Together" writing competition. A friend in Canada sent some money for prizes, and this student was ecstatic with his $25US (I would have been too - that's 8 months' salary!) It was encouraging to see these hundreds of boys whistling, cheering and jumping out of their seats because they were so proud of their colleague. Right now someone in Zimbabwe is being infected with HIV every 3 minutes. If we can't reach our young people we're in trouble. So we had 2 hours of a special HIV/AIDS assembly. I went to Mazowe with the Education Secretary, a drama group and a courageous woman named Ellah. Ellah gave a talk on "Living Positively with HIV." When Ellah told the boys she was positive, there was evident shock in the room. She looks so healthy! I admire Ellah a lot. She is honest, courageous, and determined to live well. She didn't speak in English, but she told me part of her story on the drive back to Harare.

"I met my husband when I was 18. I was at a Salvation Army youth retreat, and I was thirsty, so I went into a hotel to get a drink. I had my tambourine with me. My husband was there and his brother said to him, 'you should go talk to that girl - she's beautiful.' So he approached me and said he just wanted to be friends. So I gave him my phone number and address. He seemed nice. He started calling and visiting and he was so sweet. Our first date was to an ice cream parlour. I'd never been to one before. We were engaged and married within 6 months. Our marriage was so happy. We had a son, and I have so many happy memories. I was 26 when he died - a painful death from meningitis. I still shudder to think of his last days. The night before he died, I left his hospital room, but he called a nurse to bring me back. He was crying, and kept saying "please forgive me, please forgive me." I didn't know what for. Later I got tested, and discovered that I was HIV+. I was angry. I asked his family why they had not told me that my husband was HIV+. They said they were waiting for him to tell me. I guess he never thought I'd marry him if I knew. I was angry and bitter for a long time. But I am on ARVs, and I just want to help and counsel people to end stigma and pain. I want to live. I want to live positively. My son supports me. When I think of my husband, there is still lots of pain, but I loved him. Actually, this song (on the radio) was played at our engagement party. I was so happy then."

Wrestling

2008-02-27T04:17:00.001-05:00

I've never really been into wrestling. My brothers were - and they were devastated as kids when our house got broken into and the robbers stole their wrestling figurines along with my mom's jewelery. A former baby-sitter remembers my two brothers wrestling with my sister while I read in my room. I guess I wasn't too good at defending her - sorry Kirst! WWF Wrestling is really popular here - with adults, kids, men, women, etc.. This morning someone was asking us in the combi if it's real or fake. We gave our opinion that most of it is choreographed/planned/essentially fake. He told us that his 4 year old son had been injured the other day became he climbed to the top of the sofa and jumped off - trying to fly to imitate a move he had seen on wrestling the day before. This father (who's a really good man) thinks it was a good lesson for little Tawanda. Poor little guy.

Deep Thinker

2008-02-25T06:44:00.004-05:00

** This post has been updated by the Editor **

Rochelle writes some heavy stuff in this blog, but you should know that she isn’t the only deep thinker in our marriage. I, too, have occasional moments when I reflect on loss and deprivation. For example, I spent some time this weekend mourning the nearly 30 years of my life spent without Nutella. When I was growing up, I always knew that something was missing, that there was an unexplained void in my diet. But now that I’ve been introduced to the creamy chocolaty miracle hazelnut spread, I promise that I will never waver in my enthusiasm to share the good news of Nutella to the world. I’m a changed man! The sad thing is that I’ll never get those wasted years back.

Ed. Note: While John certainly loves his Nutella, he most certainly did not spend any time this weekend contemplating his life without it. He doesn't spend time contemplating anything.

Speaking of wasted years, I have become a major time waster. I’m supposed to be updating a website, designing a newsletter, training new personnel and working on my creative writing assignments for school, but instead I’m blogging. And I hate blogging, so I guess I’m desperate for distractions. I finished reading the entire internet last week (even the Japanese sites), so I figured that the only thing left to do was to add to its nonsense by blogging. It would be far more educational for me to just read a book at work, but then it would be obvious that I’m slacking off. Instead I just stare at this screen and read about Brittany Spear’s domestic challenges online, letting people think that I’m busy working on a book or something.

Ed. Note: John doesn't know anything about Brittany Spears. He does, however, spend far too much time researching websites about obscure poets and writers.

I am not writing a book, but I should be since I spent a whole lot of money to enrol as a student in the Humber School for Writers. I am, however, working on a few short stories that will help me remain almost famous. Or at least almost almost famous. My writing mentor thinks I have promise, and that’s not just because she’s paid to say that. My mother also thinks I have promise, and I don’t pay her anything. In fact, she still buys me supper when we see each other.

Ed. Note: John only writes stories in the hopes of getting free suppers. His only motivation is his appetite. And he better be writing some stories because he spent waaay too much money on this program.

I’m currently reading Grace & Poison, a collection of poetry by Karen Connelly; Selected Stories by Alice Munro; and Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Haruki Murakami. On Sundays I also read a letter or two from Our Life Together by Jean Vanier, just in case Jean can help me become a better man. By the way, has anyone delved into the collected letters of Ted Hughes? Looks interesting…

Ed. Note: If John read fewer books and went outside more, he'd probably have more Facebook friends. I hear his wife has 400 more friends than him.

I’m not a musical person. When I was younger, I tried to be, mostly because I belonged to a cult that expected good boys and girls to toot horns and twirl tambourines while wearing identical outfits. Yes, it’s true; I was a member of the Mickey Mouse Club.

Ed. Note: It's true. John is not the slightest bit musical. He can't even hum properly.

Rochelle, as most of you know, is quite musical. As is her whole family: The Von Ivanys. In fact, when we got engaged, there was considerable debate about whether Rochelle should be allowed to marry a non-singer. This was supposed to have been kept a secret, but the story leaked out last year. Apparently the family caucus was quite contentious, with three in favour, two opposed and one abstaining. All I can say is that the McAlisters never held a vote about whether I should be allowed to marry someone who couldn’t cook.

Ed. Note: So, so untrue. The Ivanys only thought of this after the wedding, at which point it was far too late. Sadly, it was the elderly residents at Meighen Residence who suffered the most, having been forced to listen to John sing a solo during a family rendition of We Three Kings.

Despite my musical inadequacies, I do enjoy listening to music. Sometimes I even remember to turn my iPod on when I’m out running. I once ran 33KM before realizing that there was no music coming through my headphones. Anyway, the iPod is usually on these days, so I’m listening to lots of music. And since I’ve been missing Canada a bit lately, music has provided a bit of home for me.

Ed. Note: John always forgets to turn on his iPod. Why bring it if you're just going to forget to turn the thing on?

Some mornings I listen to the stuff I grew up on: The Smiths, Depeche Mode, Sinead O’Conner, New Order, Blur, Oasis and The Beautiful South. I’ve also got into some new artists, such as The Shins, Jet, Interpol, Bloc Party, Spiritualized and my current favourites: The Bravery, The Moldy Peaches and The National. Rochelle and I do not share the same taste in music, which could explain why she’s the saint and I’m the sinner.

Ed. Note: True. Rochelle is far more holy than John. And better looking. And she has better taste in music.

Blogging is so ridiculous. Why do we do this???

Ed. Note: To enrich the minds of the masses. And to be a blessing to others.

The old man and Marius

2008-02-25T04:39:00.003-05:00

John and I ran 21kms together on Saturday. He found it to be a restful, enjoyable, light jog. I was sure I was going to die the whole second half. My knees were sore, my legs were aching, the sun was beating down on us, and it felt like I'd been running forever. But I survived. 21kms - not bad! John's mantra in a long grueling run is: "Give them nothing, take from them everything." Mine is: "I don't hate my husband, I love my husband" (since he's the one who got me into running!) :)

Yesterday I didn't feel like moving much. So after church I just read until it was too dark and there was no electricity (by the way - seeing the stars shine even more brightly is an advantage of power cuts - and we saw a cool solar eclipse last week). I'm reading "Les Miserables" by Victor Hugo. Long, but amazing book. I was really touched by a part yesterday about Mr. Gillenormand and his grandson Marius. They have a fight over Mr. Gillenormand's son (Marius' father) and politics, so the grandfather and grandson don't speak or see each other for 4 years. They both long for each other and have deep love for each other but don't show it on the outside. Pride. Finally after 4 years they have the chance to meet. The old man is overjoyed on the inside but insulting, proud and rude on the outside. We read of his pain and agony at wanting to show and receive affection and kindness and yet showing a gruff, brusque exterior - so much so that Marius walks out insulted and the grandfather's hearts breaks once again. I can identify with this stubborn, proud old man.

I get angry sometimes. Often it's for good reasons (such as injustices committed against others) but sometimes it's just for stupid reasons - like the phones not working, or the photocopiers and printers not working, or not meeting my (very high) expectations of myself. When I'm angry at myself, all I want is forgiveness, grace, love, a hug saying that it's ok. But I get tough, bristly and rude - because part of me thinks I don't deserve that love, grace and forgiveness. I punish others which punishes myself even more. "How ridiculous!" you're thinking. And it is. I would suffocate or be institutionalized without grace. And yet sometimes rather than accept it, I choose punishment, anger or guilt. It doesn't make sense...

Random bits of news

2008-02-21T23:53:00.003-05:00

I'm a bit worried about the wives of monkeys. As you know, Zimbabweans have totems, and John is a lion (shumba) and I am a monkey-baboon (tsoko murehwa). Well, there are rumours going around because three of our friends have had surgery in the past few days - and they are all wives of monkeys. Now since I am their aunt (husband's sister) these ladies should be cooking for me and doing my laundry, but I'm giving them the week off since they're in hospital/recovering (just kidding - I wouldn't actually make them do this, although they've offered!) Of course I have been concerned about these 3 friends, but never made the connection of them all being wives of tsoko murehwas. (I'm still not Zimbabwean in this sense - I think of people in terms of individuals or families - forgetting to categorize everyone into totems). Of course there's talk of cursing and who's to blame - the women or the monkeys. So superstitious!

I'm a bit worried about illegal phone calls. So, we share a cell phone, and every so often we need to buy "air time" with a "juice card" (our card is actually mango - yummy juice!) But right now they are not producing the cards, so the only way to make a phone call is by buying a card on the blackmarket (at increased prices). Of course the blackmarket is illegal, but sometimes you just need to make a call. Eggs are available on the blackmarket too, so we're considering the moral ethics of an illegal omelette.

Our friend's sister died, leaving 4 kids behind. I was talking to my friend and asking what would happen to them. "Well of course we will take care of them. They will be split up between the sisters who are still alive." I admire the courage of my friend so much. She has raised her own kids, and is already looking after children from 2 other relatives. And now some more are on the way.

We're a bit tired. 3 times this week we've been awakened after going to bed by a phone call from Canada. Don't get me wrong - I love calls from Canada, and I know the time change is a bit confusing - but 3 times! Having said this... we do go to bed at 9pm. I know that makes us senior citizens, but it's just because we get up at 5am to run and we need our beauty sleep.

Speaking of 5am, our president (who wakes up at 5am every day for exercise) turned 84 yesterday. He is still fit, although maybe a wee bit worried about the elections. But I won't get into that. (Please pray for elections - March 29). And happy birthday to another Bob - uncle Bob Ward - for today!

Patience and Praise - part II

2008-02-21T01:29:00.004-05:00

Hopefully you will remember Patience & Praise - I told you a bit of their story a few weeks ago (see post Jan.25). Their situation seemed so helpless and completely gutted me. But I have some good news to report. Some friends that I used to sing with in Canada raised some money that bought several tins of baby formula for Praise. Then this week, our friend Jennifer who is a new mom, felt convicted and sent money for Patience to be able to buy 20kg of peanuts. This will mean that she can re-start her peanut-butter making business, and have a source of income. (She brought a sample for us - it's delicious!) She came by yesterday to collect the money and she was SO thrilled. She kept saying "thank you" and "God bless you." Now she has a way to make money both for baby formula and to pay school fees for her other daughter who is in grade 7.

To me, Patience is a hero. She is a small, thin, soft-spoken woman who will do anything to make sure that her baby grows up in good health for a bright future. I admire her courage in the face of adversity. And Praise - well, she is a cutie - bright eyed, healthy with a beautiful smile. In North America we can get so paralyzed with not knowing what to do that we don't do anything. But it felt like a miracle yesterday when we were able to connect some friends in Canada who gave from their hearts with a mother who is giving from hers.